Something New
by Belial
Summary: Set in S4. B/W, takes place after the events in Beer Bad
1. Chapter 1

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Author: Belial

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Title: Something New

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Disclaimer: The BtVS universe was created by Joss Whedon, I'm just borrowing the characters for a while. I don't claim any of it, it's not mine, I think you get it.

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Summary: Set post 'Beer Bad' and written from Willow's POV, W/O and W/B. One difference in the events of 'Beer Bad' begins changes in Willow and Buffy's relationship.

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Feedback: Anything, please. Just… try to be nice. I'm fragile.

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Spoilers: None unless you're new to the show. Set in S4, so nothing new.

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Notes: I know this has been done before in one form or another, but I don't think I'm overly ripping anybody off. If you disagree, let me know and I'll take this down and apologise to whoever I need to. Mild B/W, so if that offends you, you're in the wrong place.

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Well, now I've gone and done it. Totally and completely done everything I could to ruin my life.

Oh yeah, go me.

Okay, so maybe I'm over-reacting, but can you blame me? I haven't even seen her again yet, and I don't know if she remembers. Oh, god. What if she doesn't remember?

What if she does?

Oh, that one's definitely a double edged sword. I can't make up my mind, and I need to before I see her again. I can't talk to her when I'm all confused, it's fairly likely I'll say something I really shouldn't, and then everything's all messed up again.

Okay, Will. Calm down. There's no need to panic. This is something you can deal with. Just think. Think, damn it! Work brain, work!

Now I sound like Xander.

Fantastic.

I'm just so confused, I don't know what to do. I thought everything would be fine, I told Giles and Xander to leave Buffy with me, that I could handle her in all her prehistoric glory. And I did, for a while. Everything was fine, it was actually kind of fun. It was so sweet, the way Buffy was fascinated with everything in the room. She spent ten minutes on the doorhandle alone.

It was about when she started being fascinated by me that I began to get worried. At first it was nothing, harmless, just her sniffing me a bit and playing with my hair and my clothes. No big deal, right?

So how the hell did we get to kissing and some quality full-body groping?

I don't know how long I let it continue for, but eventually I managed to control myself enough to get her to stop. No easy task, I assure you. After I told her to stop I had to calm her down because she thought she'd upset me, but at least there was no more, well… whatever it was that we'd been doing. Anyway, I think she fell asleep beside me, but when I woke up she wasn't in the dorm any more. And now I'm driving myself insane, because I don't know if she remembers and can't stand to see me, or if she doesn't remember anything and just went out.

What am I supposed to do?

This wasn't meant to happen. I have Oz. I'm happy with Oz. And Buffy wasn't even herself. She was… something that wasn't Buffy. That's the only reason it happened. Right?

Right.

Buffy would never feel that way about me. Sure, she loves me and all that, but it's purely in a best-friends capacity. Nothing more. And I feel exactly the same. So why am I freaking? It doesn't make sense. Plus, there's the whole feeling bad factor that once again I've managed to cheat on my boyfriend. Great. I've gone behind his back with my two best friends.

I wonder if they have groups for this?

Probably not.

Guess I have to deal on my own then. There's no way I can ever tell Oz about what happened. I love him, I do. I don't want to hurt him again, and I definitely don't want him breaking up with me again. Bad. Very bad. Nothing but badness there.

So. No telling Oz, forget anything ever happened. Hey, that's it! I can just pretend it never happened, and if Buffy remembers, I'll… I'll… damn. I'll deal with it if it happens. First, I need to work myself out. Why am I so upset about this? So what, it shouldn't have happened, it was a mistake. But there were reasons. Buffy was like, cave-slayer or something, and I was all upset because Oz has been acting so distant lately. Yeah, that's it. Neither of us were acting rationally.

How come Buffy gets the better excuse? I'm the one with a boyfriend I can't tell the truth to.

Alright, now I'm just being childish. That's got to stop. I'm a big girl now, I can handle this mess I've gotten myself into. I'm smart, I'm in college, I'm… late! Damn, damn, damn. The clock on the table shows 10:24, I've got about a minute to get over to my psych class. Oh god, Walsh will kill me if I'm late.

I wonder if Buffy'll be there.

Hey look. It's that sword again. On the one hand, I need to see her, but on the other, I'd really rather put off that conversation as long as possible. As I race across campus my mind is whirling, and I don't even care about the glares I'm getting as I shove past people in the halls to get to class on time. I skid to a halt in front of the doors and try to walk into the class as though I hadn't just been sprinting across half the campus, and slide into my seat just as Walsh starts the class. I get this look from her that promises me a lecture later, but at the moment I don't really care. I grabbed the first seat I saw when I came in, so I don't know if Buffy's here or not. I risk a quick look around, but I can't see her anywhere. Oz, from his position a few rows back gives me a quick wave and I flash him a smile, but I'm still preoccupied.

Where is she?

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"Will! Hey Will, wait up!"

The call comes from behind me as I'm leaving the building to head back to the dorm. I'd know that voice anywhere, and it is with some trepidation that I turn to face her. I force a smile onto my face and hope she won't notice anything.

Play it cool, Willow.

"Hey Buffy," I reply cheerfully. "Back into the twentieth century I see."

She nods. "Hundred and ten percent. Actually, I think I came back so far I'm stuck sometime in next year."

I laugh a little, and we start walking back toward Stevenson. "So is Xander still dating Anya then?"

She shakes her head. "No, he's shacked up with Harmony now."

I laugh a little more genuinely at that one. It's certainly a rather disturbing image. Still, time to get on to the real issue. "So where'd you go this morning? I got kind of worried when I saw you weren't there. Thought maybe you had gone out hunting for a deer for breakfast or something."

She smiles at me and somehow I can feel that it's all going to be alright. I don't think she remembers much, if anything, so I think I must be safe. "No, no hunting. I went to see Giles, just wanted to know if I'd missed anything while I was going cave-slayer on you. I thought it was best not to wake you."

"Fair enough," I reply. It's a good enough excuse, and I might even believe her. Still, I need to get a straight answer. "You were a bit of a handful. It was kind of funny actually. I should have taken pictures. How much do you remember anyway?"

"Since I first started with the drinking?" I nod, and she continues. "Most of it at first. It's a bit blurry, but certain parts stand out. After the first night I remember looking at the TV, and then you asked me if I had group sex…" I can't help but flush, and she smirks at me. "I remember almost going to class in my pyjama's, thanks for stopping me by the way, and then stealing that girl's lunch." She pauses, and groans. "I really made a fool of myself in psych, didn't I?"

I laugh, and she whacks me lightly on the arm. "Hey, don't laugh," she sounds all indignant. "Would I laugh at you if you made yourself look stupid?"

"Of course you would Buffy," I grin at her before continuing, "But we both know you'd never get the chance." She scowls, and I laugh again. "So what else do you remember?"

She has to think for a minute. "Well, after that there was another night of drinking, and I think Xander kicked me out of the bar. Pretty much everything after that is missing, but I do remember that there was a fire, and I'm pretty sure I hit Parker over the head with a big stick," she pauses for a second. "Or that one could have just been a dream. Please tell me that that part actually happened."

"It happened," I reassure her. "Actually, I think you did it twice. Served him right, too. Oh, and thanks for the whole saving my life thing you did."

"The what?"

"You don't remember that?" I'm surprised, actually. I would have thought she would remember something to do with me, but then she would remember what happened later, so I suppose it's for the best. Really, it was kind of a big assumption that she would remember saving my life. At the time I was probably just someone who needed help, nobody special. I guess that's fair enough, but for some reason I can't help feeling hurt.

"You pulled me out of the fire that your cave buddies started. Even if you can't remember it, I guess we can add another notch in the tally on how many times you've saved my life."

She grabs my hand to stop us walking, and lifts my chin with her fingers so she can look directly into my eyes. "You know I don't keep score, don't you Will? I need you, so I guess I keep saving you for purely selfish reasons. I'd die if I lost you, so if you're keeping count, you save my life every day."

I swear, if I was the type, I would have started crying then and there. That has got to be the sweetest thing anyone has ever said to me, and I suddenly find myself regretting, really regretting, that she can't remember what happened last night. For an instant there, just an instant, (I love Oz, I do,) I wanted to feel her arms around me again, her lips on mine. And that's just crazy. I love Oz. I'm happy with Oz. And I'm not gay. I can't be, because then I'd be in love with Buffy, and she's totally straight, and I have a boyfriend who I love and…

Oh my god I need to slap myself. Who knew I could ramble this much in my head? Right, well, that's it. No more silent babbling to myself, especially since Buffy's staring at me like I'm crazy.

"Something wrong Will? I'm sorry if that sounded-"

I cut her off. "No. Don't apologise. That was the nicest thing anyone's ever said to me. It's just… well, you know how my mind can grab a tangent and follow it. I just lost myself in thought, that's all." I smile at her to show her that it's okay, and she reaches out and pulls me into a hug.

"Good. I'd hate to have scared off my best friend because I love her too much."

"Never happen," I reply with a smile.

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I don't think I'll ever stop crying.

I can't. It hurts. There's just pain, and more pain, and this hollow feeling inside of me like someone's stuck their hand into my chest and pulled out my heart and everything inside of me that makes me who I am. Who I was. I'm nothing now, and I can't take it. Why do I hurt so much?

What did I do to deserve this?

Well, at least I know the answer to that one. Even if he didn't know it, I guess it was only fair that Oz cheat on me. After all, I've done it to him. Twice. Of course, I never had sex with Xander (and definitely not with Buffy), but he doesn't know what he does when he turns wolf. I shouldn't blame him, but I just can't bare the pain.

He's gone.

He just… left. Told me he couldn't be with me anymore, and took off. Said it was for my own good. God, now I know how Buffy must have felt when Angel told her he was leaving. I though I understood, but… I guess you can't really know until it happens to you. I just… oh god, I just want to die.

I'm curled up on my bed sobbing when Buffy comes in, and without saying a word, she settles herself next to me and pulls me into her arms. I latch onto her like I'm never going to let go, and she holds me tighter, doing what she can to comfort me. After a while, I couldn't say how long, I finally start to relax a little.

When Buffy feels it, she loosens her hold, but doesn't let go. "I love you Will," she whispers into my hair. "You know that, right? I'll always be here for you, if you need anything, just ask. I know how you feel right now, and I know that the pain is unbearable. But it'll fade. It'll never be completely gone, but you'll wake up one morning and find that life goes on, and you have to let it go. It might take a while, but it will get better, I promise."

I don't say anything, and I think she gets that I don't want to talk right now. I like this - curled up in her arms, it takes away some of the pain. I could dwell on that, but now really isn't the time. I can't think about anything, thinking will just lead to him, and I don't want to remember him right now. I want to forget, and I want the pain to go away.

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I've stopped crying.

Good, right?

Not really. I think I've just run out of tears. I'm still screaming inside, and I need to do something about it. Maybe talking would help, but Buffy's off on Slayer business, and I know that that's important. She can't really afford to stop doing her duty because I want to regale her with tales of woe.

I wish she could.

But she can't. No matter how much I need her right now, she's not here. So, I have to do something alone. I just can't take this pain any more. I tried the drinking thing, but the drowning of the sorrows only work as long as you're drunk, and even then there's a limit. Drink too much, and you're even more depressed that before, and you manage to piss off your friends.

I had three options for dealing. I tried alcohol, and Buffy's not here to do the friendly comfort thing. So, there's one thing left to try.

Magic.

Bring on the candles, incense and chanting, because damn it, I'm gong to get rid of this feeling inside of me.

The spell's fairly simple. It requires a bit of power, but I think I've got what it takes.

It only takes about five minutes to set up, and once I've locked the door I'm ready to begin. As I sit in the centre of the circle of burning candles, I can't help but feel that I shouldn't be doing this. I shouldn't be using magic to solve my problems. And I worry that something might go wrong. I've got the power for this, I know I do, but my spells seem to have this habit of backfiring and causing rather unpleasant side affects.

I push the doubt out of my mind. I have to do this. There's simply no other way to get rid of this pain inside me. I can't take it any more, and it gives me a new understanding and appreciation of just how strong Buffy really is.

Drifting, Willow.

Right. I just have to get this done. Nothing will go wrong, and I won't have to feel so bad any more. This is just what I need. No more pain.

I shift a little, just to get a bit more comfortable. That done, I settle myself down and close my eyes, clearing my mind of everything but the task at hand.

"Harken all ye elements, I summon thee now. Control the outside, control within. Land and sea, fire and wind. Out of my passions, a web be spun. From this eve forth, my will be done. So mote it be."

For a second I wonder if nothing's going to happen, and then suddenly bolts of electricity flickers all around me and the flames on the candles flare brightly. That's got to mean something, right?

As quickly as possible I clear away the elements of the spell, blowing out the candles and placing everything in the trunk at the foot of my bed. A quick glance at the clock tell me Buffy could be back any time now, and I don't want her to know what I've done. At least not yet. I'm not sure why, but I can't stand the thought of her knowing about yet another one of my failures. I'll wait and see if it works, and now's as good a time as any to test it.

Or not.

The noise from a key turning in the lock of the door alerts me to Buffy's return, which just means I'll have to wait until morning to try out this whole 'will be done' deal. The spell wasn't perfect for what I was after, but it should effectively end up with the same results, if by a rather roundabout way.

I manage to be on my bed with a book open in my hands by the time Buffy opens the door. I look up and smile at her, but she just raises an eyebrow. Dumping her bag on the floor, she comes over and sits next to me on the bed.

"Okay Will," she says. "Fess up."

"Huh?" yeah, that was intelligent.

"Slayer hearing, remember. I heard you scrambling around. So come on, what were you doing?" She pauses for a minute, and tries to come up with an answer on her own. "Now, I know you weren't going through my stuff, 'cause there'd be no point. You were with me when I bought most of the clothes I have here, and the only other things I have are weapons, and I really don't think you'd have been going through them. So, you were either watching something really stupid and embarrassingly brain-dead on the TV, or you were looking at something even more embarrassing on your computer. Am I close?"

She smiles at me to show me that she's joking, which is good, 'cause otherwise I'd have had to get seriously worried about the places her mind was going in relation to things I do when I'm not around her. What could I possibly have been look… oh.

"Buffy!" I exclaim, slightly shocked. "Your mind has been visiting gutter-type places."

She shrugs. "To much Spike time, I guess."

I nod. "Yeah, that'll do it. So has he fessed up anything interesting on those commandos yet?"

"He's not talking. Thinks I'll stake him as soon as we get the info or something," she stops, and smiles a little. "Which is valid, really. I'm sorely tempted to do it right now, and to hell with whatever he knows. It's obviously not much, and I'd be saving myself a major headache."

"There is that."

A concerned frown suddenly crosses Buffy's face, as if she's just realised something. "Oh, Will. I'm sorry. I didn't want to leave you here, but Slayer business, you know. But I'm here now, and we'll do whatever you want. Talk, watch TV and eat chocolate, make prank calls on Professor Walsh. What do you think?"

"What?"

Where'd this come from? Why'd she suddenly… I think back over the last few minutes of conversation and realise that I've been kind of short with her. Completely unintentional, but I think I've been making her feel bad.

"Buffy, no. I mean, that'd be great. But I didn't mean to make you feel bad, I understand that you had stuff to do. Sacred duty and all that. It's cool, really."

"No it's not. The world can take a back seat to my best friend for once. You're in pain, and I know how you feel. And I'm going to be here every step of the way to help you through it."

She sounds so determined, and for some reason that warms something inside of me. So rarely in my life have people cared about me, and here's someone who was there for me from day one. Now, I know there's other people out there who care about me, Xander and Giles are some of the best people I could ever hope to have met. And despite how I feel right now, I know that Oz still loves me. If he didn't, he wouldn't have left.

How's that for twisted logic?

My point, anyway, is that despite these people who care about me, there's just something different about Buffy. And never mind what she just said, she always puts me before the world. If I'm in trouble, she'll come for me without a moment's thought for the consequences. When the mayor and Faith had me hostage, I had accepted the fact that I probably wasn't going to get out of there alive. Buffy had the one thing she needed to stop the ascension, and all she had to do was destroy it. Instead, she traded it for me. If we hadn't come up with another plan, she would have ended up letting that monster cause unimaginable amounts of destruction all to save my life.

There's just nothing that can compete with something like that. To know that someone loves you that much, that they're willing to give up the world for you - the feeling is indescribable.

And I get it every time I see Buffy.

I _really_ need to address my issues.

I flash Buffy a smile and pull her into a hug. "Thank you," I say, trying to convince myself that I've got no ulterior motives to want physical contact with her. It's too close to Oz to even think about something like that. And to think that way about Buffy… well, that's a one way ticket I probably shouldn't buy. Plus, I think she's heading towards a relationship with Riley. At least he seems like a nice guy.

New territory, Buffy-wise.

She hugs me back, and it might just be my imagination, but did she hold on longer than she needed to?

"So. How's Riley?" I ask.

Way to go, Willow.

She shrugs. "He's okay, I guess. Seems solid, dependable." Okay, she's doing that thing where she talks like she's trying to convince herself.

"Boring." I say, nice and blunt.

She grimaces. "Just a tad," she frowns again, then suddenly smiles. "Still, I did get him to admit he was a lesbian the other day."

I almost choke. "What?"

She laughs. "He was helping hang some sign for some lesbian alliance or something, and I called him on it."

"Oh. So, are you going to-"

She cuts me off. "I don't think so. He's a nice guy, but I don't think I'd last, you know? Plus, normal guy, solid jock type, probably thinks he's pretty tough. How's he going to take it when he finds out his 'half-his-height' girlfriend is stronger than him?"

I can't help it. I giggle at the image that pops into my head. It's in little mini-characters, like in some of those cartoons, and there's a little Buffy holding a normal size Riley above her head and twirling him around so he keeps going faster and faster until he's just this blur, and Buffy's standing there balancing him on one finger with a bored look on her face.

"Penny for the visual Will?" Buffy asks.

I shake my head. "It's nothing."

She crosses her arms across her chest. "Nothing. Right. That's why you're still laughing."

I'm still laughing? Well, what'dya know. I crack myself up.

Deciding to share the wealth, I describe the scene to her, and for a second I think she's upset or something, because she doesn't say anything. Then her face cracks into a wide grin, and she falls down beside me on the bed laughing.

"You get creativity points for that one," she says when she calms down. "He's not so boring like that."

I smile at her, glad that for once someone finds my jokes funny, and suddenly notice that we're pretty much face to face. I don't think Buffy's noticed how close we're lying yet, although I can't really see how she's missed it, since she's virtually on top of me. Maybe I'm just hyper-sensitive or something considering the new turn my thoughts have taken recently, especially where Buffy's concerned. It's just… this entire situation. Gods, I'm so confused.

I just can't work this out. Okay, so there was the one-off make out with cave-Buffy, but what else? So I enjoyed it, who wouldn't? Buffy's a great kisser, even in all her prehistoricness. Maybe that's all it is. I miss Oz, and I'm just transferring my feelings onto Buffy. As soon as I get over things a bit it will all go away. Everything I'm feeling is because of Oz.

Yeah. That's it. Oz.

Buffy has nothing to do with this. She just happened to be in the wrong place at the wrong time. And even if it was real, she wouldn't ever return my feelings.

So why is she still lying on top of me with her face inches from mine?

Wha-huh?

I give a small start, and she smiles. "Back with me yet?" she asks, and I nod somewhat breathlessly.

Uh-oh. Now I'm in trouble.

"Good," she continues. "Because there's something I just can't work out, and you're the perfect person to help me with the problem." She shifts a little, settling herself against my side, but somehow managing to keep her eyes locked with mine.

"What problem?" I manage to say, and I'm proud when my voice sounds almost normal.

"Well, here's the thing," she's moved her hand onto my hip while she was speaking, and she's playing with the bottom of my shirt. What the hell is going on here? "I keep dreaming something, and I'm pretty sure it's a memory. But my problem, you see, is that if it's a memory, you've been hiding something from me." She says that last part in a but of a sing-song tone, and now I'm seriously beginning to worry. I'm not ready for this.

"Buffy," I say, but I stop when I catch the mischievous look in her eyes. I know that look. She knows what she's doing and what she's doing to me, and she's going to keep doing it until she's satisfied.

I'm in trouble.

Yep. Big time. Her hand's moved under my shirt now, and she's softly raking her fingers over my stomach. The muscles there quiver at her slightest touch, and I can see it clearly in her eyes that she's enjoying this. But I can't let her continue. If she's just playing with me it'll kill me. But that would be cruel, and Buffy's not like that. But that would either mean she likes me, or she's influenced by something.

What though?

It suddenly hits me, and I fly off the bed so fast that I don't think Buffy even saw it. She looks up at me from her position on the bed, and the hurt in her eyes almost breaks my heart.

"Buffy, I can't."

The pain in her eyes intensifies, and it's almost enough to get me back on that bed. "Will? What's wrong. I'm sorry, I though you wanted-"

I cut her off. "I do." Oh god, I really do. When did that happen? Oh stop kidding yourself, you know exactly when that happened. You've been lying to yourself for years. It's time to try honesty, and hope she can still be my friend after all this.

"I do, Buffy. I want this, I really do. But you don't."

"What do you mean?" Her eyes narrow, and her tone is dangerous, but I ignore the warning.

"I didn't mean to, really I didn't. But something must have gone wrong, or maybe I did it right but thought something wrong, it's just that I've been thinking about you so much recently and I'm so confused, and then there was the beer kissing thing, so maybe I thought something I shouldn't have and my spell was too powerful and now you're caught up in it and I'm so sorry and please don't hate me!"

Damn babbling, I wonder if they have medication for that.

Buffy's looking at me blankly, and I'm wondering if I've really blown it this time. She looks at me for a minute before sitting up. "Okay Will, three questions. What spell did you do, when did you do it, and what would have gone wrong?"

"A will be done spell, just before you got back, and I may have made you want me." I shoot the answers off quickly, probably in some obscure hope that she won't be so angry if this happens really quickly.

I think my logic system's gone on a holiday.

I close my eyes, waiting for the yelling and Buffy's voice telling me how stupid I am, none of that happens. A pair of arms wrap around me and pull me into a warm embrace, and a pair of lips kiss me softly on the cheek. I keep my eyes closed, knowing that this can't stay good. I hear a light chuckle in my ear, and I can't stop my body from stiffening.

"Shhh, Willow. It's okay," Buffy murmurs softly in my ear. "You didn't do anything wrong. Your spell hasn't done anything to me. I'm completely in love with you of my own accord."

My head snaps up and my eyes shoot open. Buffy did not just say that to me. We were talking about her possible boyfriend not ten minutes ago, and now she says this. This can't be real, and now it's turning my life into a nightmare.

"Buffy," I say, but once again she stops me.

"If you don't believe me, just reverse the spell."

God, could I be any more dense?

Buffy smiles confidently at me, and I pray that's she's right. If not, this entire situation is going to be incredibly awkward.

Without breaking eye contact with her, I say the words to reverse the spell. "Let the healing power begin. Let my will be safe again. As these words of peace are spoken, let this harmful spell be broken."

For a few tense seconds I'm left wondering and fearing that maybe I was right and Buffy's about to bolt out the door when suddenly she reaches out and pulls me to her, wrapping her strong arms around me again. I'm shocked when I feel wetness on my shoulder. She's crying.

I wrap my arms around her, trying to offer what comfort I can. I'm not sure what's wrong, but she's my best friend, and she's crying. "Shhh, Buffy. It's okay," I say, unintentionally repeating her words from earlier.

"Oh god Will," she sobs, "I was so afraid you might be right. I couldn't stand the thought of not being in love with you."

I let out a ragged breath as what she's saying sinks in. There's a brief moment when all I can feel is happiness, but then the confusion sets in again, and my mind fills with questions. It's all I can do to verbalise one of them.

"H-How?"

She smiles, and I don't question the warm feeling that rushes through me.

"Silly question, Will," she says, her voice affectionate. "It's always been you, since before I knew it. I don't think I even knew how much you meant to me until that night I really thought I'd lost you. When I thought you were dead… a part of me died inside. When I saw you alive, it was the happiest moment of my entire existence." She takes a deep breath, and I can see tears forming in her eyes as she remembers the night she thought I was a vampire. "Since then… you're all I want. I tried to deny it for so long, I mean, there was Angel, and you had Oz, but I need you. I've traded the world for you before, and I'd do it again, because you're what keeps me fighting. The world isn't worth saving if you're not in it."

And damn me if there's anything I can say to that.

As I look at her I can feel my own eyes fill with tears. I don't know how it is that Buffy could possibly feel this way about me, but I'm not about to question my good luck. It wasn't my spell, and I'm not going to lose her over the thoughts I've been having recently.

I think Buffy mistakes the emotion behind my tears. Her smile disappears and she takes a leaf from my book and starts babbling. "Oh, Will, I'm sorry if that was too much, but you're so sad, and I just thought, you know, with Oz gone now, maybe we have a chance, I could help you stop hurting. I love you so much, and I know it's soon, and probably unexpected, but I thought, what with what happened with the beer - I know I said I didn't remember, but I do, and I wouldn't have brought it up but you mentioned it first, I just thought that maybe you might not be too wigged about the girl-girl thing and that maybe you had feelings for me too, but I'm sorry if this isn't what you-"

Okay, this is too cute. But, she's probably going to be embarrassed as all hell when she realises what she's doing, so I better help her out. While she's in the middle of a sentence I lean forward and press my lips to hers, wrapping my arms around her waist and pulling her close. For a second she tries to keep talking, but then I think her brain must have kicked in or something, because she's suddenly kissing me back with all the emotion and passion that she just tried to convey with words.

The instant that she responds to my kiss, it's like my mind clears and I understand what I want. I want her. I love her. And as scary as the thought is, I wouldn't give up this knowledge for anything.

I break away from the kiss and we both whimper a little. I press my forehead to Buffy's and notice that we're both breathing a little heavily. I smile, and she laughs a little.

"Thanks for stopping me from embarrassing myself further," she says.

"Pleasure," I reply, and she grins. I pull back a little, just enough so I can look her in the eyes when I say this so she knows that it's the truth. "Buffy, I love you. I think I fell for you a long time ago, but I was so confused. I loved Oz, and despite what he did, I guess I still do, but that doesn't matter now. When I was with him I could pretend that I only loved you as a friend, but since he left, you're all I can think about. I know I'm not that good with the talking thing, and this is probably going to turn into one big babble if I don't stop this soon, but I want you to understand how much you mean to me. I'd die without you, and not just because some nasty would eat me."

She crack a smile at that, and I decide that that's as good a place as any to stop before I really do start with the babbling.

After a short silence in which I think we're both still dealing with new developments, Buffy's the first to speak. "So, what now?" she asks.

I shrug. "No idea. Whatever we want, I guess."

She looks a little apprehensive as she asks "What do we want?"

Aww, she's so cute when she's timid. I tilt my head a little and lean forward to kiss her again. "Answer your question?" I ask when I pull away.

She nods. "Exactly what I was hoping for," she pauses for a second, thinking. "But, I know this is sudden. If you need time, it's okay. I'm happy to wait now that I know we can have something. If you don't want a relationship so soon after-"

"How about we just take things slow," I suggest. "Let me get used to Oz being gone, and it'll give us both some time to get used to the idea of us being together."

"Good idea," she says, and pulls me into a hug. Before letting me go, she whispers "How slow is slow?"

"I'm not sure," I reply as we disentangle ourselves. "Why don't we just do whatever feels right?" She nods, happy with that suggestion. "So, do we tell the others?"

Buffy pales, and I'm not sure about that reaction. "I don't know Will. Not yet, I think. Put a bit of distance between you and Oz so they don't think I'm taking advantage or something. Oh, god," she looks horrified. "I'm not taking advantage am I?"

I can't help but laugh a little. There's just something about this whole situation that's kind of funny. "No Buffy," I reassure her. "You're not taking advantage. Look, it's late. Why don't we just get some sleep and we'll talk about this in the morning."

She nods. "Yeah. That sounds like a good idea."

Neither of us move for a moment, and suddenly I realise something. Despite what just happened between Buffy and myself, there's still this pain in my heart from the hole that Oz used to fill. I glance at the beds, and turn to Buffy. "Stay with me?" I ask, wondering if she'll understand.

I can feel almost instantly that she does, and she pulls me into her arms again, her face buried in my hair. "Always," she whispers, and for one of the first times in my life I feel truly safe and loved.

*****************

Feedback? Anyone?


	2. Chapter 2

__

Well, finally I write another chapter. Something I hadn't actually intended to do, btw. "Something New" was meant to be a stand alone fic, and I guess it still works that way, but I decided that I'd challenge myself and see if I could rework a season entirely from Willow's perspective. Hope you like.

****

Author: Belial

****

Title: Something New (2/?)

****

Disclaimer: The BtVS universe was created by Joss Whedon, I'm just borrowing the characters for a while. I don't claim any of it, it's not mine, I think you get it.

****

Summary: A loose reworking of S4 with a B/W angle.

****

Feedback: Anything, please.

****

Archive: Go for your life. Just let me know, k?

****

Spoilers: Only if you're a newbie to the show.

************

I don't remember what I was dreaming, but it must have been nice, because I'm very reluctant to wake up. The alarm is going off, and I know I'm going to have to be the one to get up and turn it off, because Oz sleeps like the dead. The arms wrapped around me haven't moved, so I'm guessing that this morning's no different.

I try to get up to turn off the annoying buzzing noise, but Oz pulls me back into the bed with more strength than I realised he had. I'm almost resigned to leaving the alarm to ring itself out when I realise I'm not in Oz's room. I'm in my dorm, the one I share with Buffy, and Oz never stays here with me.

So who's arms are holding me to them like there's no tomorrow?

I stiffen slightly as the events of last night come rushing back in. Buffy kissed me. Buffy told me she loves me, in more than a friendly type way, and I told her the same thing.

Buffy's in bed with me.

Wow. Just… wow. I don't think that really settled in last night. I think I had this assumption that I was going to wake up and it wouldn't have happened. Not that I didn't want it too - I did, I do, it's just… Buffy? Really? Wanting me? I know she said that last night, and I know it wasn't the spell, but it's still a bit hard for me to believe.

The alarm intrudes on my thoughts again and I realise that despite the events of the previous night, we're going to have to get up. We've got psych first thing this morning, and I don't think Walsh would appreciate me sprinting in late to another class. After the death-glare and massive lecture I got after the last time, I'm not keen on repeating the experience.

The alarm finally rings itself out and Buffy still hasn't moved. I wonder if she's really still asleep or if she's faking it and just doesn't want to face me. I turn in her arms so we're face to face, and she still hasn't let go of me. I'm hoping that's a good sign. She hasn't opened her eyes yet, and I'm wondering how a Slayer can sleep that heavily. I lean up a little a kiss her, praying that I'm not being too forward. This is just so new, and I don't want to blow it or freak her out. I know she's the one who started it, but I'm aware that I have a minor insecurity problem. Could be from being shut out and rejected for the first sixteen years of my life.

Within seconds Buffy responds to my kiss, and I'm almost certain she was faking sleep before. Her eyes flutter open and she smiles at me. "Hey," she says, and it's almost whisper.

"Hey yourself," I reply, completely at a lost for something to say.

"That was a nice way to wake up," she says, and gives me another gentle kiss. "I hope that's an indication that you haven't reconsidered."

I smile at her, and it's nice to know that for once someone else is just as insecure as I am. "Never," I answer. "I intend to hold you to that promise you made last night."

She's silent for a minute, and I wonder if she's forgotten. I start to get worried, fearing that maybe it didn't really mean as much to her as it did to me before she answers with a question. "Always?" I nod, and she holds me tighter, burying her head against my neck. "That's one promise I definitely intend to keep."

I raise an eyebrow, deciding I'm safe enough to play with her. "One promise? Which ones were you planning on breaking?" I say it seriously, and I can tell she's unsure as to whether or not I'm joking.

"I… uh…" she stutters around for a minute before I decide to let her off the hook. She's so cute when she's flustered.

"Easy Buffy," I say, "I was joking. I know you keep your promises." I twist my head to check the clock and I realise that if we don't get moving soon, we probably will be late. "Anyway, we've got to get up. Class starts in about half an hour."

She groans, and I can't help but grin. It's such a familiar sound when you mention schoolwork to Buffy. "Can't we just blow it off?" she asks. "I'd much rather just stay here."

So would I, but no way am I admitting that. We'll never get going if I do.

"Buffy, we've got psych this morning, and you know Walsh. We don't want to get kicked out." She groans again, but I finally get some movement from her. Untangling her arms from around me she virtually rolls out of bed, and I'm almost certain that anyone without her coordination would have fallen flat on the ground trying to do that.

"I hope psych's more interesting today," Buffy calls from the other side of the room where she's digging through her closet. "The last couple of classes Walsh has been so boring I've almost fallen asleep."

"Almost?" I reply, and for a second I think she was going to throw a shoe at me.

"I never actually feel asleep, Will," she replies, slightly indignant. "I rested my eyes a lot, but I could still hear her. Unfortunately."

"Well, maybe today will be different." I say, enthusiasm in my voice. I happen to like psych, and despite Buffy's complaints, it's actually quite interesting.

"How so?" Buffy asks, and I can tell she doesn't believe me.

"Well, maybe you'll manage to really fall asleep this time."

She laughs. "Here's hoping."

---------------

Buffy was right. This _is _boring. And coming from me, that's really saying something. I love school. Well, the learning part anyway. Sometimes the actual school bit isn't all that fun. But that's not the point. I glance over at Buffy and I'm somewhat put off by the fact that she actually has managed to fall asleep this time.

That's not fair.

Right now, I'd rather be asleep. I normally love psych, but ever since Walsh was an absolute bitch to me about Oz I've kind of lost interest. Who wants to learn from the evil bitch monster of death anyway?

She starts talking about finals, and I perk up for a moment, not wanting to miss anything important. When I realise that she's going over stuff she's already said, I tune out again. For some reason my gaze wanders over to Riley, and I catch him staring at Buffy. Full checking her out staring. Fire flares within me and I repress a sudden urge to hit him over the head with a shovel - or something to that effect. I chuckle slightly as I realise that jealousy just hit me with full force. I guess I really am in love.

Anyway, I shouldn't be too hard on him. For all he knows, Buffy's still interested. She hasn't really had time to shoot him down since we came to an, uh, understanding last night. For a moment I feel sorry for the guy, but I'm too happy to really care. I know that's mean, but if it's a choice between his feelings getting hurt and Buffy being with me, there's really no option. He's a guy, he'll heal. He was probably only after one thing anyway. Huh, men! They're all the same.

Buffy mumbles something in her sleep, and my attention is immediately drawn back to her. Even asleep she's more interesting than listening to Riley as he finishes the class while Walsh starts to pack up her notes. Buffy's eyebrows crease as she frowns, and I wonder what she's dreaming. I wish I could just fall asleep anywhere like that. I don't get it, though. Buffy's the Slayer, so sure, she's out late patrolling and all that, but she told me once that she only really needs about three or four hours of sleep to function. She almost always gets at least that, and usually a lot more. I know for a fact that she got about eight hours last night, so she can't be tired. I'm not tired, and I need more sleep than she does, probably even after she's had a rough night. She's always hard to wake up, too. Shouldn't she have, I don't know, some kind of warning thing that goes off so nothing can attack her when she's asleep? She should be a light sleeper.

Like I said, I don't get it.

Maybe it's just Buffy. She's so determined to live a normal life at the same time as being the Slayer, she probably doesn't bother working on the things she considers unimportant. Or maybe she can turn it off - like she doesn't bother with it in the dorm or at home because she knows she's safe there. But Walsh's class? Not really the safest place to fall asleep - especially if she notices.

Riley's just dismissed the class when Buffy's eyes snap open and she looks around slightly confused. Her gaze sweeps the room before she turns to me, and I briefly consider trying to terrify her with the idea that she missed something vital, but then I remember that it's Buffy. She probably missed more classes than she went to in high school. Academic failure is not going to terrify her. Plus, she already looks kind of spooked. She smiles at me and cocks her head toward the door, signalling the need to get out of here. I pack up my books as quickly as I can, and she waits patiently without saying anything. As soon as I'm ready we head for the door, and I can see Buffy's just about to speak when someone calls out her name from behind us.

"Buffy! Wait a sec!"

Riley. Oh joy. Buffy's reaction mirrors mine, but she plasters a smile onto her face before she turns around to greet him. I try to wipe the animosity out of my expression, but I'm not sure how well I do it. Riley doesn't seem to notice, or if he does he ignores it.

"Willow, Buffy. Nice to see you both found class riveting today." We both shrugged a little, and he smiled. "Don't worry. It does get more interesting. There are certain things that we have to cover, and I know they're a bit of a drag. The Professor knows it too, but she's got a job to do."

Buffy just shrugged again. "I'll take your word for it," she replied. "School's never really been my thing, you know? Will's the brains in the family."

I smile at the compliment and at the same time I want to hit her. She's smart too. Her SAT scores were proof enough of that, and she never would have lived this long if she couldn't think on her feet. How can she say she's not smart?

We start walking down the hall together and Riley shrugs a backpack over his shoulder. "You guys headed over toward Judd?" he asks.

"Student centre," Buffy replies. God, I want out of here.

"Cool," say Riley as he keeps walking with us. Buffy gives me a look, and I get the message. It was basically 'take off', but she did it nicely, which I guess means she wants to get this whole rejecting him thing over with, and it's probably better for his pride if nobody else is around to see it.

Fair enough I suppose.

I make some lame excuse and head off in another direction. I don't need to hear whatever it is Buffy says to Riley, and I've got wicca group anyway. I really hope we can actually do something soon. So far all it's been is some group blessings and idle chat about things like bake sales.

It takes me a couple of minutes to get to the lounge the groups using as its meeting place, and my mind wanders pretty aimlessly until I get there. It was pretty much just thoughts of what Buffy's telling Riley, wondering if she tells him about us or if she just says she doesn't want a relationship. I don't know if I'm ready to tell people yet, and telling Riley would probably really hurt his manly ego. Being dumped for another girl isn't something a guy wants to hear. You know, unless he's allowed to watch or… oh, I am so not going there. Staying right out of the gutter.

I think Xander's finally starting to rub off on me.

I reel my wandering mind back in when I reach the lounge, and I settle myself in one of the few remaining single chairs left. It's a few minutes before we start, and when we finally do, the girl who's the designated head of the group starts leading us in some sort of prayer to the Goddess or something, but I don't pay attention. I have the feeling that this meeting is going to be just like all the others. So many people who call themselves wicca's, and not a real witch among them.

It's so frustrating. Here's something I want to learn, but I've got no one to teach me. Experimenting is dangerous, especially with magic. I learned that the hard way. I could ask Giles, but he's not too keen on me getting into witchcraft in the first place, and I don't think he's really all that experienced himself.

I suddenly realise that my mind's been wandering again, and I snap back to reality when I hear the group say 'blessed be' and the girl in charge starts going on about a bake sale.

Again!

Is that all these people do? Go out and get lives, people!

Everyone's chatting, talking about this and that, everything except magic. They probably don't even believe in witchcraft. I suddenly decide to test that theory.

"What don't we do something a bit different for a change?" I ask tentatively.

"Like what?" Hey! That girl practically _sneered_ at me.

"Well, there's the wacky notion of spells? You know - conjuring, transmutation…" I trail off that the looks I'm getting.

"You know, some stereotypes really aren't very empowering. One person can suck the energy from an entire group," one girl says, her tone condescending.

"Yeah, maybe be can all get out our broomsticks and fly around on them." They all laugh.

Oh, I so want to do something to knock these guys down. Floating a pencil would do. I'm really tempted, but I probably shouldn't.

I'm so wrapped up in thoughts of showing off that I almost miss the girl who tries to say something. She stutters a lot, and I think she was about to back me up, but from the look of her, she's painfully shy. Probably worse than me in high school. What did that other girl call her? What was it… Tara? Yeah, I think it was. There's something… a feeling… it's a bit strange.

I'm still staring at her when she looks up at me. I quickly look away, but not as quickly as she does when she makes eye contact with me. Wow. This girl really takes shy to extremes.

-----------------

Buffy's waiting outside for me when wicca group finishes. I was going to hang around a bit and try to talk to Tara, but Buffy's got this unsettled look about her, and she looks like she needs to talk to me. I guess I can find Tara later. Whatever's unsettling Buffy has to be pretty important, because she doesn't freak out over small things.

Okay, so that's to strictly true. She freaks out over small things, just not small _important_ things. A small important thing on a Buffy scale is staking a couple of vamps, something which is now so routine to her it's almost mundane. The small things Buffy freaks out about tend to be more on the level with a big dry-cleaning bill, or possibly a few split ends.

Now, it's when Buffy gets worried about something big and important that you should start running for the hills. When she gets worried it means that she's not overly confident that she's going to win, which is a good thing because it means she's more careful. Of course, it's also a bad thing, because it means that it's bad enough that she needs to be more careful.

Do you think it's possible for me to cut out half my brain? Because seriously, I have way to many thoughts.

Buffy links arms with me and we head out of the building. When we're outside and there aren't so many people around, I finally ask her one of the million questions burning in my mind.

"So, how'd it go with Riley?" Oh, smooth, Willow. We're not overly territorial and jealous. Nope. Nothing of that sort here.

Buffy cracks a smile though. "It was okay. I've never really had to do that before, you know? I mean, Angel left me, Scott dumped me, and Parker was just… I'm not even going to start. Riley's a nice guy. I really didn't like doing that."

"What did you tell him?" I ask, somewhat nervous about the answer.

"I didn't say anything about us, if that's what you're wondering," she replied. "I thought that dumping him was enough. I didn't have to go and tell him I was dumping him for a girl."

Thought as much. Still… "How'd he take it?" Curiosity's going to get me killed one day, I swear.

She shrugs. "I'm not really sure. He didn't get angry or anything, but I think it hurt."

He was losing her. Of course it hurt.

"Anyway," she continues, eager to change the subject, "we've got more important things to worry about. I'm pretty sure I had a Slayer dream in psych."

Slayer dream? So not of the good.

"What happened?" I ask as we're climbing the stairs to our dorm. "Badness? Wig factor?"

"Much, and huge," she answers, opening the door to our room. She waits until we're inside before continuing. "It was just like I was in class - and, can I just add, how bad is that? I fall asleep to avoid learning, and I end up dreaming about it - anyway, I was in class and Walsh is going on about something or other, and then she asks me to come down and demonstrate something. She tells me to lie down on her desk, and then she's signalling at Riley to come over. He walks over, and suddenly he's leaning over me, trying to take me in his arms or something - totally invading my personal space - and all the time I'm trying to get away. Eventually he moves back, and looks over to Walsh. She looks pretty pissed off, but then she signals to you to come down instead. Next thing I know, you're leaning over me, about to kiss me. I tell you that it feels strange, doing this in front of the class, and you make some weird comment about the sun going down. Then we're kissing - and can I just say wow - and when we finally break apart the room's all dark and the class is gone."

I smile at her. We're together for less than a day and she's dreaming about me in class. Still… "Buffy, thanks for the compliment on my kissing, but really, this doesn't sound like a Slayer dream."

She shakes her head. "I don't think it started out as one. Hence the whole 'me choosing you over Riley thing' - not that there was ever any competition. The Slayer part comes next." I just wait for her to continue. "So the room's dark, and then I hear this noise from outside. It sounds like singing or something. We go out into the hall, and there's this girl just standing there singing something creepy. She's just finished when I feel this hand on my shoulder, and I assume it's you, since you came out with me, but when I turn around it's this really creepy bald guy in desperate need of a tan, with a really bad fixed forced smile or something."

This is what she's worked up over? I don't get it. "It doesn't sound that bad," I say.

She shakes her head again. "You don't get it, Will. I don't get Slayer dreams for just anything. Plus, the demon guy where you should have been? Not liking those implications."

Oh.

__

Oh!

That's bad.

"I don't like that idea," I comment, somewhat surprised at how calm my voice is.

"No," replies Buffy, "I wasn't all that keen on it myself. Anyway, the whole thing just kinda freaked me out."

"Are you going to call Giles?" I ask.

She nods. "Yeah. I need to tell him that song. Maybe he can find something." She stops, and looks at me. I'm sitting on my bed, facing her where she's sitting on her own, and she gives me this weird smile when I raise my eyebrows in question at her look. She's still smiling when she stands up and moves over in front of me. She reaches out to take my hand, and I'm still confused as to what she's doing. She just stands there smiling down at me, and I'm about to say something when she suddenly pulls me to my feet and wraps her arms around me. "But first…" she murmurs into my ear, "there's something I've been waiting to do all morning."

Before I can register a coherent thought her lips are on mine, and I don't even care that my brain's suddenly ceased functioning. Her arms are wrapped tightly around my waist, and as I deepen the kiss I slide my arms around her neck and twist my fingers into her hair.

I don't know how long we stand there together, and I don't care. Buffy's tongue is doing wonderful things in my mouth, and her hands are starting to wander. Right… uh… oh…

Sometime while my mind was lost in a Buffy-induced haze we've somehow managed to make it onto the bed, and Buffy's on top of me, her body pressed into mine. I wonder briefly if this fits into the category of 'going-slow', but then she shifts above me and presses one leg in between mine and any thought of restraint flies right out the window.

Slow? What's that mean?

My hands have a mind of their own as they start to wander over Buffy's body, but from the signs she's giving me, they're doing the right thing. I tilt my head up a little to kiss her again, and I know with a certainty that this is the best thing I've ever done. Nothing have ever felt this _right_ before.

Oh _god_, I want this.

I want _her_.

My hands move around to her chest, and I spend a minute caressing her breasts through her shirt. Something tells me that that's not good enough though, and I tug at the hem of her shirt, trying to lift it over her head. I think it takes her a moment to realise what I'm trying to do, but when it clicks she pulls away from me.

She doesn't say anything, she just sits there looking at me, her legs now straddling my hips.

"Buffy?" I ask, almost afraid. "What's wrong? What did I do?"

She seems almost surprised at my question, and I'm beginning to wonder if maybe I was going to fast. Maybe I read something into her actions that she hadn't meant. Maybe all she wanted to do was make out a little. Oh god, what's she going to think? I mean, she-

"Will," Buffy interrupts my little mental diatribe. "You didn't do anything wrong, I just-"

What? Changed your mind? Don't want me?

"-wanted to know if you realised what you were doing."

Huh?

I think she sees that I don't get it. Somewhere along the line most of my higher level brain functions stopped working, and they haven't kicked in again yet.

"You said you wanted to go slow. Now," she grins, and for the first time I notice how husky her voice is, and see the passion in her eyes. "I'm more than happy to break the speed of sound, but I just wanted to make sure you were aware of where this was going. Because I was about to completely lose control, and if we go any further I'm not going to be able to stop."

She wants me that much? Wow. But what the hell was she thinking? Am I aware of what I'm doing? Of course I'm aware, I'm not some hormone driven teenager who lose all capacity for-

Damn.

She's right. I wasn't very aware. I was moving on instinct, with what felt good, but as ready as my body is for this, my mind isn't. Oz only left a few days ago, and despite what I feel for Buffy, I did love him. I can't just get over that, and I know, and I think Buffy knows, that if I sleep with her now I'll always have second thoughts and doubts. I don't want that. I want to know that I want to be with her because I love her. I do, I know that, but I want to be sure I'm not doing some transference thing.

Buffy deserves to be my first choice, not the rebound. I have this feeling that she'd take anything she could get, but I wouldn't do that to her. I think it's just as important for Buffy to know I'm sure as it is for me.

I clear my throat, and say one of the hardest things I've ever had to say.

"You're right."

I almost hate myself for the look of disappointment that flashes across her face, but it's almost instantly replaced with understanding. She gives me this smile that tells me that she gets it, and she's about to climb off me when I sit up and wrap my arms around her, holding her in place.

"Will?" she asks, somewhat uncertainly.

"I love you," I say, and I flush a little as I continue. "I really do, and I really want this. You know, with you. But you're right. We said last night we should go slow, and that was the right decision. I know I love you, but you deserve to know without any shred of doubt that I want to be with you because I love you, and not because of any post-breakup rebound thing."

Uh-oh. She flinched when I said rebound. Bad choice of words there Willow. "It's not, Buffy. Really. But you stopped us, so I think you know that it's better that neither of us have any doubts. I know you, and I know that if we let this continue right now, you'll always feel like you took advantage of me, and I'd have to constantly reassure you that you didn't, and you wouldn't ever really believe me because you'd think that I'd be saying it just to make you feel better." Take a breath, Will. "Did that make any sort of sense?"

She smiles, and suddenly I feel better. "Yeah Will. It did." I give her a quick kiss before unwrapping my arms from around her waist and letting her stand up.

"Well," I say, trying to be cheerful and not sound frustrated at the loss of contact. "We should probably get over to Giles', right? Tell him about that dream of yours?" We need to get out of here, around other people. Despite my decision, being alone in a room with her is a bit too much temptation.

"Right," she agrees, and we head out the door.

************


	3. Chapter 3

****

Author: Belial

****

Title: Something New (3/?)

****

Disclaimer: The BtVS universe was created by Joss Whedon, I'm just borrowing the characters for a while. I don't claim any of it, it's not mine, I think you get it.

****

Summary: A loose reworking of S4 with a B/W angle.

****

Feedback: Anything, please.

****

Archive: Go for your life. Just let me know, k?

****

Spoilers: Only if you're a newbie to the show.

************

Giles' house. 

You know, I think this is the one place that I don't have a set feeling towards. Or maybe it's just that I have too many. Like the old library, I guess. Since we blew up the high school, we've had scooby meeting at Giles', and that leads to mixed feelings. I love Giles, he's like a father to me, but he'll also always be a watcher.

Okay, so I guess he won't, since he was fired, but that's not what I mean. He's still there for Buffy, in the watchery sense, which is both a good and bad thing. It's a good thing because he's there trying to guide and protect us, but it's bad because it means that we generally only see him if it's related to something big and ugly. Which then means that if Giles says he'd like to see us we're all like 'man, not the end of the world again' sort of thing.

It's the same with his place. I feel safe there, like I did in the library, even if it was directly above the Hellmouth. But then, we get told all the bad stuff at his place, so every time I show up I'm expecting bad news, and I hate that feeling.

I have very clear feelings when it comes to other places. I feel safe in the dorm, since Buffy lives there with me and it's kind of my home now. I feel like a child at my parents' house, albeit a very neglected one. I love it at Buffy's - it's almost like home there, and Mrs Summers probably cares more about me than my mother. I feel slightly depressed at Xander's - he needs to get his life together - but at the same time I love it there, because he's there and he's been there for me since we were kids. But Giles'-

I can't sort it out. On the one hand, it's safe, a sanctuary, but on the other… the amount of bad news we get there always makes me feel a little unsettled.

Unfortunately, I don't think that's the real issue right now.

I'm unsettled, sure, and a little scared, but it's not because I'm at Giles'. It's because I'm a terrible liar, and right now I have a damn big honking secret to keep. I've never been able to lie to my friends, so I'm hoping that it's only Giles in there and I'll be able to keep my mouth shut and pretend I'm scared out of my mind that I'll slip up and he'll judge us and… not that I think he would, because he loves us, but he's old, and English, and…

Willow, can you shut up?

I scare myself sometimes, I really do.

I think Buffy's a little worried as well, since she's just standing there looking at me like she's waiting for something.

"Will?"

"What?"

"Are you okay?" she asks, her voice a little concerned. "You seemed kind of elsewhere for a moment."

I shrug. "Nothing serious. Just getting kind of lost in that big black hole that is my brain."

She smiles, and all my bad thoughts disappear. I love that she can do that to me.

"Ready to go in?" she asks.

Hello again, bad thoughts.

I sigh. "Yeah, I guess."

Buffy seems to know instantly what I'm thinking. "We're just here for the dream Will. We don't have to say anything about the other until we're good and ready, okay?"

"You know how I am with secrets Buffy," I argue.

"Will you'll be fine," she replies. "Look, if you start, I'll just say I gave you coffee." She reaches up with her hand to brush her finger against my cheek. "Hey. I love you, okay? But we're here on business. Just focus on that."

She gives me a brief kiss and a dazzling smile, and then turns away from me and opens the door. Without knocking. Giles really needs to remember to lock that.

As we enter the living room I look around, but Giles is nowhere in sight. I don't think Buffy even bothered looking, she just yelled for Giles and then made her way to the couch. I followed, but sat in the armchair rather than next to Buffy.

As it happened, Spike showed up before Giles did.

"What's all the racket?" he asked, grabbing a mug of blood out of the fridge on his way past the kitchen and then dropping into the other armchair.

"Spike," said Buffy, her voice flat. "Wonderful. Where's Giles?"

Spike shrugged. "I think he went out. Shopping or something. We're out of weetabix."

"Weetabix?" I ask. "Why would you care?"

"You kidding?" he replied. "The stuff tastes great in blood. Gives it some texture, you know?"

Eww. I knew I shouldn't have asked. It's Spike, of course he has some absolutely disgusting reason for wanting perfectly normal food.

"Anyway," Spike continues, "He's been gone for a bit, should be back soon. What're you two doing here? Anything going to kill you?"

Buffy just glares at him, and due to the far too chipper tone of his voice, I'm doing the same. Buffy's just opened her mouth to retort when the door opens and Xander and Anya waltz in.

"I'm here," Xander announces.

Gee, really?

"Why?" Spike shoots back.

"Shut it, dead boy."

"Make me, shagless."

Uh, Spike? Not really an applicable term with Anya right there. I can just see that she's going to-

"Hey!" she exclaims. "I'll have you know that-" she doesn't get any further as Xander covers her mouth with his hand.

"Anya, honey, while you may be happy discussing that with him, I'm not, and we had this talk, okay?" he waits until she nods before removing his hand.

"Fine," she says, somewhat huffy, "But I was sticking up for you."

"Thankyou. But let's just leave it, okay?"

No Xander. Thank _you_.

"Ruin my fun," Spike mutters, and gets a glare from Buffy for his trouble.

Xander ignores him and turns to me. "So where's the G-Man?"

"Behind you," says a voice from the door. "And how many times do I have to tell you not to call me that?"

"Probably forever," grins Xander.

"That would be right," Giles sighs. "What are you all doing in my apartment, anyway?"

"You told Mum you wanted me to 'swing by'," Xander answers.

"Yes, but I meant tonight. After sundown. So you can take Spike."

"What?" Xander exclaims.

"Yeah, what?" Spike adds, getting up from his chair. "Where's he taking me? I'm not going anywhere with him. he'll probably trip over himself and stake me by accident."

"Here's hoping," I hear Buffy mutter.

"If I stake you, it won't be an accident," Xander glares at Spike, with Anya beside him with an identical look on her face.

"Oh please," Spike scoffs. "You couldn't stake me if you tried."

"Wanna bet?"

Oh _please!_

"Children," Giles interrupts. "Either be quiet or take it elsewhere." He turns to Buffy when no one replies. "Buffy, I take it you're here for a reason."

Buffy nods. "Yep, and it's pretty important too. I think I had a slayer dream in class today."

"You fell asleep in class?" Giles asks, somewhat disapproving.

"That's your problem in this scenario?"

Ooh, wait. I love this part.

"Buffy, your education is important. You have to-" he pauses, and sighs when he sees that Buffy's just looking at him blackly. "There's really no point me continuing, is there?" he asks.

Buffy shakes her head, a small grin on her face. "None at all. Don't worry so much, Giles. I've got it covered."

Since when?

Did I just think that?

No. Can't have. Alright, who's in my head?

Giles gives Buffy this approving smile, and he's about to say something when she continues. "Yep. All I've got to do is sleep with the TA."

What?

"Good. Glad to see you've got yourself… what?"

Paying attention yet Giles?

"Yeah," Buffy continues, "He's already asking for it. He'll be wrapped around my little finger in no time, and before he realises it, he'll be marking all my papers with nice big numbers."

Okay, I'm not stupid. I know she's joking. She just wants to see Giles turn that funny shade of purple. Xander's amused, and Spike's smirking, but I'm not laughing. This is hitting a little too close to home for me. It's not too long ago that Riley actually was in the picture, and I thought I was crazy for having feelings for my best friend.

So, not crazy, but I'm definitely going to have to work on these jealousy issues. How did Xander stand it when she was with Angel? It must have driven him crazy.

I think I understand now why he always hated him so much.

Giles is spluttering, and Buffy's enjoying every second of it. Well, she was until she looked at me. I think my expression sort of gave me away, and considering what we almost did this morning Buffy talking about sex with someone else, even jokingly, is not something that I'm finding amusing.

After giving me a look that was sort of half apologetic and half amused, Buffy turned back to Giles. "Giles, calm down. I was joking. I'm not going to sleep with anyone just to get better grades. I can't believe you actually fell for that. If I was that desperate for marks the entire high school faculty would have had a ride. And anyway, how do you think Will got such good grades?"

Spike just fell off his chair.

Okay, so I should be pissed. Xander's gaping, and Anya's nodding like it was actually a feasible plan.

I think Giles is choking.

Okay, this has to stop. We can't kill Giles. "Buffy," I say, the warning clear in my tone.

She waves me off, and quickly starts to root through Giles' stuff. "Quick Will," she says. "You gotta help me find a camera. This is priceless."

Personally, I'd rather get a photo of Spike. He's rolling around on the ground, laughing his ass off. If he ever manages to get that chip out and tries to return to his previous master vampire status, that photo alone would be enough to keep him away from us.

Blackmail? Who, me? Never.

Fortunately for him, Giles gets himself under control before Buffy finds that camera. Spike's managed to rein himself in as well, and has managed to crawl back onto his chair, but every time he looks at me he smirks.

That's annoying.

"Buffy," Giles say when he's got his breath back. "Don't ever do that to me again. It's fine for you to say such things about yourself, but don't make unfair statements about Willow. You know perfectly well that she only slept with the PE teacher."

"Giles!" Buffy and I exclaim together. What is this? Pick on Willow day? Spike's collapsed in giggles (and I'll be damned if I ever thought I'd see a vampire giggle - well, you know, except Harmony), and I think Xander's about to pass out with the shock.

Still, if we're playing this game, I'm not going to be the victim. I can give as good as I get.

"Come on, Giles," I say. "You know I had to do it. I'm just horrible at PE. And I wasn't going to leave high school with a bad mark on my record. And besides, she was one damn fine woman."

"Willow!" This time it's Buffy and Xander in stereo.

"What?" I ask innocently. "It's not that bad. Buffy's mom had to sleep with the entire school board before they would revoke Buffy's expulsion."

"Willow!"

"Yes?"

"Stop it, please." Buffy pleads. "I'm sorry, okay? Just don't bring up my mom and sex again. I'm having band candy flashbacks. You win, alright? Just stop, please."

I smile. This is just too cute.

God, I want to kiss her.

Thankfully (or not), Giles takes that moment to clear his throat to get our attention. "As thrilling as this discussion was," he says, a little uncomfortable, "I think we had business to discuss?"

Right. Slayer dream. I think I forgot in all the… forgetting.

Buffy seems almost thankful for the change in topic, and so am I. I think our encounter this morning is still fresh in both our minds, and I don't know about her, but if we had talked about sex any longer I just might have jumped her right here. And while I might want it, I'm just not ready. I know this. She knows this.

Doesn't mean we have to like it.

Look Willow! Shiny objects!

Focus, please!

Buffy's midway through telling Giles about the dream (I think she skipped the part about me), and now she's reciting this poem or something to Giles. There's a lilting quality to her words - didn't she say something about a little girl singing? I think I remember that.

"The Gentlemen?" I hear Giles ask. "It doesn't ring a bell. I'll look into it."

"Thanks Giles," replies Buffy. "The whole thing was just really creepy, you know?"

Giles nods. "I understand. I'll let you know if I find anything."

"You don't want any help?" I ask, a little surprised. There's something nasty, we research, right? Isn't that how this works?

"Maybe when I've found a little more information to go on. As it is, I wouldn't know where to tell you to start."

"That's never stopped you before," I say.

"Well, no. I guess not. You can stay and look if you want."

"Xander doesn't want to, do you honey?" Anya says, grabbing Xander's arm and pulling him towards the door. "We'll help some other time." With that, she pulled him out the door and Xander waved sheepishly before it closed behind him. Buffy just watched them with a bemused expression on her face.

Spike gets up and stretches. "Well, as much as I'd love to stay and help you chaps go through all the boring books, I don't. I think I'll just go and get me some sleep. Try not to make too much bloody noise can you? You lot are louder than Harmony, and believe me, that's saying something."

When Spike had left the room, Buffy turned to Giles. "Can't you get a less obnoxious houseguest?" she asks.

"I'd love to," Giles answers dryly. "Unfortunately, I'm stuck with him until we either kill him or leave him to the mercy of those mystery commandos we still know absolutely nothing about."

Buffy sighs. "We'll get to them eventually. We've got more immediate problems at the moment. Remember? Slayer dream? Usually a trailer for a really bad movie?"

"Well," I say, clapping my hands and rubbing them together. "Let's get this party started, shall we?"

----------------

This sucks.

No, seriously. We haven't found squat, and we've been at it all day. And it doesn't help that Giles hasn't even tried to catalogue all those books we saved from the library. They're all still in boxes in his attic.

Actually, that's not really true right now. At the moment they're strewn all over the attic floor, where Buffy got sick of trying to be tidy. She's never the research type at the best of times, and going through random books all day certainly hasn't helped her temper. At one point she even through a book at Giles when he came upstairs to see how we were going.

"I hate this," I hear Buffy say from across the room.

"I hear that," I reply. Sure, I'm research girl, but even I have my limits.

"What say we leave it for the night?" she asks. "We're not getting anywhere."

"No, I guess not," I agree. "What, Giles doesn't have enough time on his hands to unpack some books? What does he do all day, because that's all he used to do all day."

Buffy laughs. "You've got a point there Will. I, however, am far too tired to care right now." She gets up and stretches, and I have to say, it's not a bad view. Unfortunately, Spike choses that moment to walk through the door.

"Nice, luv," he say appreciatively. "Why don't you do that more often? You're enough to give a dead man a pulse. No, wait, hang on a sec. It goes the other way with you, doesn't it. You turn 'em bad. I like that in a girl."

"Shut up, Spike," say Buffy calmly. "I don't need this right now. Another word out of you and I introduce you to Mr Pointy."

"Mr Pointy?" snorts Spike. "If you weren't the Slayer, not to mention such an annoying whiny little brat, I'd introduce you to my Mr Pointy."

"I'd kick your ass before you could even get close enough to bite me." Buffy retorts.

Buffy, I don't think he's talking about his teeth.

It takes a moment, but Buffy finally gets it when Spike just smirks. "Eww… Spike, that's disgusting. What the hell is wrong with you? No, don't answer that." She stops, disgusted, but then a smile creeps onto her face. She wipes it off and looks over at Spike, her expression serious and concerned. "Spike, you just have to let it go. I'm never going to want you. I'm sorry, but that's just the way it is."

"What the bloody hell are you-"

Buffy cuts him off. "Spike, I know you're very attracted to me, and I understand that you can't help how you feel, but you have to let it go. You're never going to get me, and I'm sorry if that upsets you."

Spike's really pissed off now. "Now listen here, Slayer. The only way I want to 'get you' is at the end of my fangs, and-"

Buffy jumps in again, trying to sound shocked and horrified. "Spike, no! Even if I did like you that way, I'd never go for that. I really think you should see someone about this probably of yours."

See this? This is me trying not to laugh.

"Hey Slayer, back off, will you? I'm not like my soddin' 'angel' of a grandsire. I don't get off on your type."

"Oh, Spike," Buffy says quietly. "I'm so sorry, I had no idea."

Okay, I'm lost.

So is Spike, apparently. "What?"

Buffy sighs. "You should have been more open with us Spike. We are protecting you, after all. And I do know some great guys I could set you up with."

"Guys?" exclaims Spike, his voice strangled.

"You didn't have to hide the fact that you were gay from us, Spike."

Did she have to bring this up? So not a safe topic right now. Although I guess I can't talk. I brought it up myself earlier.

"Gay?"

Hey, I think he's hyperventilating.

Is that even possible?

Before he can react, Buffy's pulled me to my feet and past Spike. "Bye Spike," Buffy calls over her shoulder to where he's still standing, "Try not to jump Xander tonight. You know he's straight, and he probably wouldn't appreciate it."

Leaving Spike trying to get himself back together we race down the stairs, and after a quick goodbye to Giles we're out on the street, and walking back towards the dorm. Somewhere along the way Buffy's hand had moved from my arm, and now her hand clasps mine, and I relish the first real physical contact we've had since we left the dorm this morning.

Still, something's on my mind, and if I've learnt one thing from Buffy, it's that we really aren't good at hiding things from each other. "Buffy," I begin somewhat tentatively, "can I ask you something?"

"Of course."

"Why'd you pretend Spike was gay?"

She shrugs. "I don't know. I guess I just thought it would piss him off."

Uh-huh. "So, it had nothing to do with… you know… us?"

She stops us walking, and turns me around so we're face to face. "Why would it, Will? I was just joking around, like I always do, and messing with Spike is one of my new favourite hobbies."

"It's just…" wow this is hard to say, "you've never really made comments like that before, and I just thought, that maybe, with us…"

She stops me with a finger on my lips. "Will, I love you. If that makes me gay, then so be it, but I don't think of it that way. You're all I want. There isn't anyone else, guy or girl. You're you. I fell in love with you because of who you are, not because of what you look like. And that's not saying that you're not absolutely gorgeous, because you are. But that's not what's important, you know?"

"I guess…"

"Will, what's really bothering you?"

I shrug, and hang my head a little. "I don't really know. I guess I'm just afraid. What happens if we tell our friends and they react badly? Will you decide I'm not worth the trouble?"

"Will, you're not trouble. And if you were, you'd be worth every bit of it."

That was nice.

Wasn't that nice? She says such nice things to me. God I love her.

"I love you."

She smiles, and leans forward to kiss me. In the middle of the street. Buffy just kissed me in the middle of the street.

Wow.

"I love you too." She squeezes my hand, and we start walking again. "Can I take you out for dinner?" she asks.

"That'd be nice."

Wow.

I don't think I've said that enough today. I don't think I'm going to have said that enough until it really sinks in that Buffy wants to be with me. and I think that's going to take a while. It's Buffy. She's amazing. And I'm just me. I don't think there's a word in the English language to describe what I feel right now. Contentment. Wonder. Happiness. They all fall short. There's probably only one other person on this earth that's experienced what I feel right now.

Angel.

I know _exactly_ how he felt.

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	4. Chapter 4

So, I finally managed to get my act together and write something. Admittedly, this chapter is shorter than the others, but I guess it's better than nothing, right? (don't answer that.)

Author: Belial

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Title: Something New (4/?)

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Disclaimer: The BtVS universe was created by Joss Whedon, I'm just borrowing the characters for a while. I don't claim any of it, it's not mine, I think you get it.

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Chapter Summary: A loose reworking of 'Hush' with a B/W angle.

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Feedback: Anything, please.

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Archive: Go for your life. Just let me know, k?

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Spoilers: Only if you're a newbie to the show.

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I love waking up.

No, wait. Scratch that. I love waking up when I can do it in my own time. No alarm, no phone ringing, no Giles shaking me awake after I've fallen asleep at the keyboard. I like waking up when I'm in my own bed, all snuggled up, and I can come slowly back into the real world. I love that sort of waking up, which, fortunately, is what I get this morning.

I stretch and yawn, kicking back the covers in the process. I open my eyes just in time to see the door open and Buffy walk in, obviously back from the bathroom. The sight of her reminds me that we slept in the same bed again last night. We didn't discuss it or anything, it just seemed like a given. I wanted her there, she wanted to be there, it was the perfect solution to what wasn't really a problem. It's amazing how safe and loved I feel wrapped in her arms.

She closes the door behind her and smiles at me. I see her lips move and form the words 'Good morning' and I reply with a 'hey' before I realise that I hadn't actually heard the words. Buffy seems to realise it at the same time and she clears her throat before trying again. When no sound comes out her eyebrows crease in the cutest way, and her eyes widen slightly in a very controlled form of panic.

'Can you hear me?' she mouths at me.

I shake my head. What the hell is going on? 'No,' I mouth back. This is beginning to get scary. 'I've gone deaf!' I try to tell her.

She gets it, and shakes her head. 'I don't think so,' she mouths back at me, and I can tell she's automatically slowed her speaking pace and started to annunciate more. 'We can't speak!'

We can't speak? This is new.

I hate waking up.

Wait, maybe I haven't woken up yet. Maybe I ate something funny last night when Buffy took me out to dinner. Yeah, that's it. I'm just having some strange dream, and soon I'll wake up like I want to, warm and safe and snuggled up with Buffy. It's all just a dream.

Okay Willow, you've lived on the Hellmouth how long?

Buffy gives me a worried look, and goes to open the door. She looks out in the corridor for a second, and then closes the door again. When she turns back to me I already know what she saw.

'Everybody?' I mouth at her.

She just nods and moves over to where I'm sitting on the side of my bed. Sitting down next to me she pulls me into a fierce hug, and for a moment I don't care that I can't talk. After a minute, she eases her hold on me and turns me to face her. She's got the most intense look in her eyes, and somehow I just know that it's all for me. She reaches up and slowly traces her hand softly across my cheek, then moves it around to settle in my hair. For a moment she just looks at me, and then she moves slowly to brush her lips ever so softly against mine. When she moves back again that intense look is still in her eyes, and it's love that shines from them so brightly for a moment I'm afraid of being blinded.

It's amazing how much I love her.

I think she was trying to tell me something, because after a minute she stands up and she's all business. Something's up, and she's the Slayer. It's her job to fix this. Without words, she just told me how much she wishes she could stay with me rather than go out to find the cause of this problem. It doesn't matter that I'm going with her, there always has to be a distance in public.

For now, anyway.

Our friends don't know yet, and I'm good with that. I don't think I could handle telling them right now. Buffy might not care what people we don't really know think, but she's respecting what I want by not telling the gang. I think for her to keep that secret, she has to keep a firm control on herself. The last few days she's been relaxing around me, taking my hand without thinking about it, holding me close when we walk, putting her hand on my leg in class. I think she's had to be careful around me for a while now, and now that she's started letting that control go, she has a hard time regaining it when she needs to.

I love the affection from her, and I hate that she has to hide it. I'm determined that it won't be for long, I just have to wait until Oz isn't such a close shadow. I love Buffy, but I'm afraid if we tell the guys, they'll assume I'm running to Buffy on the rebound, and they won't want to see us get hurt. What they won't understand is that Buffy isn't the fallback. She never was, and she never will be. I love her so much it hurts, and I think I started to realise it even before Oz left.

She motions for me to get dressed, as she goes over to her closet to do the same. There's one person we go to when something weirder than normal happens, and since we can't call him, I guess we're going out.

-------------

Walking down the streets of Sunnydale, everything is so different. Over to our left there's a man sitting in the gutter hugging his briefcase, and down the street to the right there's a group of people reading passages from the bible. The bank's closed, but the liquor store is open. I never thought that the loss of speech would cause society to just shut down like this.

Okay, so truthfully I never thought about it at all, but I have a point. People don't really talk to each other much anyway, so why is speech so important? Friends should be able to communicate without words, and people in this country barely give the time of day to strangers, so why the big drama? I'll admit that it's a bit of a shock, but it's not like it's the end of the world or anything.

Not yet, anyway. You never know around here.

That's not my point. My point, as strange as it may be, is that I don't believe human society runs because we can talk. People who have been deaf from birth can't really talk, but they can still communicate. I knew exactly what it was that Buffy was trying to say to me this morning. So, logically, if everyone stopped panicking and thought about things a little, they'd realise that the power of speech isn't what makes us who we are. Language is just a modicum to convey our thoughts, feelings, and desires. Actually, language is a way to convey what we want and need without exposing ourselves. It puts a barrier between our feelings and how close we get to other people. It helps us avoid getting hurt, because we can brush things off with humour, or deny that we ever felt anything at all.

Really, when you get down to it, language is a defence. It's supposed to be a tool for communication, but we've gotten so skilled with it that it's now used so we don't _have_ to communicate. We use words to say what we want without saying what we _want_. It's strange, but it's the way we work. We're hurt so much by ignorant children and insensitive adults when we're young that we become instinctively defensive, and words are what we use to put barriers between other people and our hearts.

With this loss of speech, Sunnydale shouldn't have shut down like this. But now, without the barrier of words, everyone, whether they know it or not, is afraid that others will finally see what it is they've been trying to hide about themselves. Society has suddenly shut down because everyone is suddenly living in fear.

I guess the freak-out factor is helping too.

Maybe I overlooked that. Maybe I just over-analyse. It could just be that everyone's in shock over the loss of their voices. I mean, it's not like it's a normal occurrence. Even with the selective blindness that comes from living on the Hellmouth, people just can't ignore this. When it's town wide, it kind of grabs people's attention. And maybe that's all it is. I just can't be objective because I'm used to the weirdness.

Still, I think I had something going with that whole communication theory. I don't know if it was something that made sense, but since it's in my head, I guess it doesn't really have to.

Over to the left there's a guy selling message boards at ten bucks a pop, and for some reason, that strikes me as funny. People in this country have five modes when something bad is happening. Number one, shut down and hope that ignoring the problem will make it go away. Number two, turn to religion - doesn't matter which, whatever's handy will do. Number three, booze, booze, and more booze. Number four, looting and vandalism, possibly with some booze thrown in. And finally, number five, and this is America to the core, rampant capitalism. Gotta love those people who can take a disaster and find some way to make money from it.

Buffy and I exchange and look, and I can tell she's thinking the same thing as me. Okay, so maybe not _everything_ I was thinking, but she's thinking the same about the guy with the message boards. Her expression is half disgusted, half amused, and we stand there for a minute before we both suddenly turn and walk over to the guy selling the boards.

Okay, so how sad is that?

Let's not dwell on it. We're suckers, we can't help it.

Right. Moving on.

--------------

By the time we got to Giles', everyone else was already there. Well, not _everyone_, 'cause everyone wouldn't fit in Giles' living room, but Xander and Anya were there, and Giles' girlfriend as well. Olivia, I think her name is. It's so weird to think of Giles having a girlfriend. And kind of icky. I know he loved Miss Calendar, but still, he's Giles.

Plus, I used to have the biggest crush on him.

Over that now, by the way. So over that. I'm now happily in love with my best friend. And while there's a strange sense of déjà vu associated with that sentence, it's still more right now than it ever was with Xander.

Okay, admitting to my feelings about Buffy has really done something bad to my attention span. Three seconds of not concentrating on something, and my mind wanders to Buffy.

Hey, Willow? There's this little thing called focus. Can you remember what that is?

Oh, shut up.

Xander gives me a little wave, and Giles comes over and gives us both hugs. I love Giles' hugs. It used to be weird, since he was a teacher and all that, but now it's good. His hugs are really comforting. Not as comforting as Buffys, of course…

Willow! Heel!

I think I'm going insane.

I manage to rein in my wandering mind just in time to see Buffy ask Giles if he'd found anything. He shakes his head and Buffy points to his notebook on the table. Giles just shrugs, and then we're all distracted by Xander clicking at us.

Do you have any idea how annoying clicking is? I'm so glad I'm not a waitress.

Anyway, Xander stops clicking once he's gotten our attention, and he turns the TV up so we can hear it. It's obviously an out of town broadcast, because, well, the newsreader can actually speak, so it's a bit of a giveaway.

"Sunnydale has been quarantined die to a widespread outbreak of, as strange as this may sound, Laryngitis."

That's their explanation?

"While critics are calling it a city-wide hoax, a written statement has been issued blaming recent flu vaccinations. No one is allowed in, or out, of the town until the quarantine has been lifted."

Well, this is fun.

I didn't even have a flu shot.

Xander starts to yell at the television, or tries to, and it's kind of a funny sight with the lack of a soundtrack. Anya just shrugs and leans back into the couch, and after a moment, Buffy taps me on the arm to get my attention. She indicates the whiteboard still in my hands, and I hand it over. I get a smile for it, before Buffy turns her attention to what she wants to write. When she's finished, she holds it up for Giles, who gives her a puzzled expression. Buffy wipes her sleeve over the board to clear it, and writes something else. This time when she shows it to Giles he nods in understanding and then moves away to sit down at the table where his notes are spread everywhere.

Buffy watches him for a minute, and her expression is unreadable. It hate it when I can't read her, and unfortunately, it happens quite often. She's had so much practice guarding herself that it's almost an impossible barrier to break through. I can tell when she's got the walls up, but unless she lets me, I can't see what's behind them. I can read her so well when she's not hiding, but when she is… it bothers me that I can't see past that wall.

When she turns her attention back to me I can see those walls fall away. I don't understand it, but I don't think that guarding her thoughts and feelings it something that Buffy does consciously. At least not all the time. I think it's reflex, and I'm glad that she's overcome that instinct when it comes to me. That means more to me than I could ever express, and I wonder if Buffy knows that. I hope she does, or that I can find a way to show her.

Without even thinking about it, I reach for her hand. It seems that she needed to contact just as much as me, and she gives my hand a squeeze and flashes me a grateful look. For a minute she just looks at me, and for a minute I forget that I ever could speak.

Shaking herself out of her daze, Buffy mouths three words to me. 'Tonight. Town. Chaos.'

I nod and squeeze her hand, telling her that I understand. 'I'll go with you,' I try to tell her, but she shakes her head.

'Danger.'

It's my turn to shake my head. 'Don't care. With you.'

She hesitates a moment, but then her face breaks into a smile. She nods, and I give her a hug before gesturing in Giles' general direction, thinking that we should help. Buffy shakes her head, and after a moment's confusion I get that she means that there's nothing we could do to help right now.

I think Xander and Anya must have worked that out as well, because they're both up off the couch and looking at us expectantly. Well, okay, they're more kind of looking at Buffy, since she's the leadery type person who's not currently wrapped up in a book. Buffy just shrugs at Xander's expectant look, and he nods. He makes some strange gesture toward the door, and then points at himself, so I'm guessing that meant that he and Anya are going back to his place. I don't want a more descriptive idea from those two, and Buffy obviously doesn't either, as she just nods and waves them away. Xander gives us both a hug, then Anya grabs his hand and pulls him out the door.

I turn to Buffy and give her a questioning look. We can't help here, so what is there that we can do? I don't really feel like walking through town any more than we have too, since we're going to be out tonight, but sitting in our dorm room and not being able to speak doesn't really appeal either. We could always try to get some work done, but it's almost finals, and we've been studying almost non-stop anyway. Well, I have. I'm pretty sure Buffy hasn't even opened a textbook.

Buffy smiles at me and takes my hand, leading me to the door. We've always held hands before, but I don't think I ever realised just how much that contact really meant to me. Even in a situation like this, _especially_ in a situation like this, that one simple contact is always more comfort and reassurance than I'd care to admit.

Buffy taps Giles on the shoulder to get his attention, and indicates to him that we're leaving. He just nods and goes back to his books, his forehead creased in concentration. After another smile for me, Buffy leads me out the door, and I'm suddenly wondering if being alone together without being able to speak is such a bad idea after all.

-------------

Back at the dorm, we're somewhat at a loss for things to do. I know what I'm thinking, and I'm pretty sure Buffy's feeling the same way, but for some reason we've both avoided eye contact since Giles' place, and haven't even tried to communicate. I've been sneaking glances at Buffy from across the room for the last ten minutes, and I'm sure she's doing her best to avoid looking at me. If I didn't know better I would think she was nervous, but why would she be nervous around me?

I mean, even if she's thinking along the lines that I am, she can't possibly know I'm thinking the same thing, so it's not like she can be nervous about something that's about to happen, because she doesn't know if it will, and I'm fairly certain she won't make a move until I do, so she's got nothing to be nervous about until I do something, which will then tell her that I want what she wants, so there's no need for her to be nervous. Unless she doesn't want that, and thinks that I do, and she doesn't know how to turn me down without hurting my feelings. Or maybe she doesn't want to turn me down, but thinks I don't really know what I want.

I'm so confused.

All right, I'm over thinking this. Over-analysing. She's probably not thinking anything of the sort. In fact, for the first time in days, I don't have a clue what she's thinking. The only thing I'm sure of is that I have to make the first move.

And that's exactly what I'm going to do.

Buffy's sitting at her desk, apparently attempting to study or something, but I know that's a front. Buffy and studying is like oil and water. They're two very unmixy things, and if she's pretending to study in front of me, then she's really avoiding me.

Nah-uh. I'm not taking that.

Moving slowly from my position on my bed, I take the few steps it takes to cross the room to her desk, gathering my courage and resolve for what I'm about to do. I want this, so much, but that doesn't mean I'm not on the verge of turning tail and running out the door.

I can see Buffy hesitate before she looks up at me. Most people would have missed the slight tensing of her shoulders when I put my hand on her arm, but not me. I may be a little obsessive, but I've known Buffy long enough to know the signs. Just before she looks at me, I know that she's afraid. Afraid of what she'll see in my face, in my eyes. In that instant I know that she's wondering if the enforced quiet that has given us all time to think without the distraction of discussion of our feelings will have changed my mind.

Wow that was a long sentence.

Anyway, she's dead wrong. It's the opposite, in fact. Without being able to speak, there's nothing I can do to stop thinking. I can't start a conversation with Buffy about what I feel and then get lost in a babble fest and make her totally confused about what I'm trying to say. All I can do at the moment is look at her and hope I can convey what I need to. All day I've been able to see what she's feeling without the benefit of words, and I think it goes the other way too. And the minute she looks up at me, words aren't necessary. She knows what I want, what I need, and there's no more hesitation, no more doubt.

She's frozen in her chair, and I take her hand and gently pull her to her feet. Without breaking eye contact, I raise my other hand to her face and softly caress her cheek. She gives me a small smile, and I move my head forward to take her lips with mine. I release her hand and she wraps her arms around me, deepening the kiss and giving me a feeling so intense that my knees start to buckle.

Oh… wow… she's amazing.

All we've done is kiss, but just knowing that this time we're not going to stop is enough to start sending hot flashes all over my body. Warmth suffuses me where our bodies are pressed together, but I want more. Clothing has it's place, but that place isn't anywhere close to here and now. I tug at the base of Buffy's shirt in a useless attempt to get it off her without us having to separate, but even through the haze that's settled over my mind I'm aware that that's not going to work. I weigh the choices, and decide that I can handle moving away for the few seconds it takes to get her shirt off.

Still, I guess the choice was easier made than done, considering the strength of the grip that's holding me. I move my hands down from Buffy's face and around to where her fingers are locked together behind my waist. Without being to forceful I attempt to unlock her fingers, and after about a minute or two she gets the picture and loosens her hold.

Moving back a little I give her a shy grin (okay, so I was aiming for a smile), and reach out and take the bottom of her shirt in my hands. With another smile and wishing that we didn't have to lose eye contact, I pull her shirt up and over her head. She raises her arms to assist me, and when I look at her, my jaw drops to the floor with her shirt.

God she's gorgeous.

Okay, so I knew that already, and all I've done is take off her shirt. And I've seen her in just her underwear before, but for some reason this is different. This time I'm allowed to look and enjoy, and damn if I don't do that. I don't think there's anyone else in the world as beautiful as Buffy is, and for some reason, she wants _me_. Willow Rosenburg, the 'shy little computer geek' as I was so aptly dubbed in high school. Buffy Summers wants me. Buffy loves me. If I was ever sure of anything, I'm sure of that. I don't know why it is, I just know that it's real. Without the protective walls she usually has up, her eyes tell me more than words ever could.

She wants me.

She needs me.

She loves me.

And that's all I want, all I need. I'm going to show her how much she means to me, and I'm almost glad we can't speak. Words just get in the way. I take another step backward, and without breaking her gaze I slowly remove my clothing. There's a fire in her eyes that burns with love and desire as she watches me, and I have never felt anything so right in my entire life. The world falls away, and suddenly I'm lost in her. Drowning. I can't breathe, and I don't care. Air isn't important, I don't need the blood that's pumping through my veins.

There's only one thing I need.

Her.

*************

--------------------------------------------------------


	5. Chapter 5

****

Chapter 5

************

Doing the patrolling thing. Gotta love it.

Or not.

I mean, what's so great about being out until all hours of the night, wandering around trying to find something that wants you dead? You'd think the safest option would be to cower inside and never come out unless surrounded by four SWAT teams and covered by sharpshooters.

Then again, I've got Buffy. And that's even better.

We're wandering around Sunnydale at the moment, but instead of hunting, Buffy's mostly doing crowd control. Not really what's in her job description, but since we have no idea what we should be looking for… well, this is something Buffy can do so she doesn't feel so helpless.

I'm not even really concentrating, and my thoughts drift to a few hours ago. I had no idea anything could be that… intense. I don't know if it was just being with Buffy, but I have this suspicion that not being about to speak sort of enhanced the experience. All day I had felt Buffy and I becoming more… I don't know how to describe it. It's like we were able to communicate what we felt better without words getting in the way, and when it came to something as intimate as sex… it was just amazing. I don't know how else to describe it. There are no words - and I think that's the point.

I think I may be exaggerating the experience in my own mind, but I think that when you really love the person you're with, it takes things to a new level. I don't have much basis for comparison, and I know Buffy doesn't either, but I just can't see how being with someone you're not emotionally connected to could be anywhere in the same league. Oz was special, and I loved him, but Buffy… she's… once again, there aren't words in the human vocabulary that could explain what she means to me and how she makes me feel. She's Buffy, and I think that's the only thing I can say.

We had fallen asleep after we made love, or at least, I had. I'm not sure about Buffy. When I woke just before sundown, she was holding me to her and looking at me with the most intense glow in her eyes. It wouldn't surprise me if she hadn't slept at all.

The funny thing was, I kind of expected a bit of awkwardness. Not that I'm uncomfortable with our relationship or anything, but we are both girls, and neither one of us had ever done something like that before. It was new for both of us, and it's understandable to be a bit uncomfortable with big changes in your life.

The funny thing was though, I didn't sense any awkwardness. None. Not a thing. Of course, we couldn't get ourselves tangled up with words, so I suppose that's actually a blessing. All we could do was communicate how we felt, and that's better done without speaking.

Thinking about the bright smile she gave me when I woke up, I'm fairly certain that she really didn't sleep. I think she might have been afraid that she would wake up and find me gone. That's been her only experience so far, and it's not a nice one. Angel was gone and then tried to kill her, although not without tearing up her heart first, and Parker promised he'd call and then shot her down. I'm surprised Buffy even allowed herself to be with me, since I'd be closer to the Angel situation than Parker. Not that I'd go evil on her or anything, but I think in the back of her mind she'd have this subconscious fear that making love with me would cause something terribly bad to happen.

Like there's any way in hell I'd let it.

I'm not letting Buffy go. Angel did, Parker did. Well, they were idiots. Buffy's the most amazing person, and she doesn't even know how special she is, which is even more endearing. And I don't mean special like Slayer special. I mean her as a person, and I don't think she's ever realised that.

I mean to show her every single day for the rest of my life.

If she'll let me.

There's my insecurity rearing its head again, but I just can't help it. I daze out a bit, and my mind wanders to how special Buffy is, and then I wonder what it is she could possibly see in me. She's amazing, and I'm just… me. I've got so many faults it's probably endangering the country that I live in California.

Now, I know Buffy has her faults as well, but I think it's a sign that I'm hopelessly in love that I don't care and I love every single one of them because they make up who she is.

Walking through town, looking at the way society is breaking down, I pray that Buffy and I never reach a point like that. With the things we, and especially Buffy, deal with every day, we can't afford to succumb to hopelessness. I thought living on the Hellmouth bred people stronger than this, but I guess I was wrong. People here aren't strong, they're just very good at selective blindness.

It's so annoying.

Granted, sometimes it makes Buffy's job easier, but sometimes it's a downright pain. Every time Buffy gets caught doing something that probably just saved the world, she gets in trouble. Not so much now that her mom is in on it, but the police still have it in for her. It's not fair, but since when was that ever a valid complaint?

Buffy's doing her best to calm people down, and when that doesn't work, she simply separates them and makes it clear that unless they leave, they're in for a world of pain.

Did you know she can do that with just a look? It's absolutely fascinating to watch.

Up ahead there's two guys who look like they're about to try and remove each other's heads. Buffy sighs inaudibly beside me, and quickens her step. I speed up with her, but before we're even halfway across the distance, Riley suddenly shows up and separates them himself.

Riley? What the hell? How come he's so in control? He should be just as freaked as the rest of Sunnydale. That's not fair. What's his deal anyway? He's taking Buffy's job.

Okay, so maybe I'm still a bit against Riley. He's got it bad for my girl, so I don't think you can blame me for not wanting him with fifty feet of her.

Buffy evidently doesn't notice my unease, and continues toward Riley, twisting the arm of one of the fighters as she passes, making him drop the pipe he'd just picked up for a weapon. Buffy doesn't even look as the man collapses in pain, and I guess I don't have much sympathy for him either.

For some reason I hang back a bit as Buffy stops before Riley, who finally notices her from where he's been trying to calm down the other fighter. A smile crosses his face before concern settles there, and he asks her if she's okay. I don't think he's noticed me. Buffy nods her answer, and they somehow manage to have an awkward silence before Riley motions that he has to go. Buffy just shrugs, and has just turned back toward me when Riley grabs her and spins her around.

And kisses her.

Hey! Off limits!

Buffy apparently feels the same way, and pushes Riley off when he's barely had a chance to make contact. He backs off a little, looking confused, and Buffy slaps him hard on the chest with the heel of her hand. He gives her this look, like he's asking what the slap was for, and Buffy just stares at him like he's lost his mind.

Hey, Riley! Get it through your head. Buffy doesn't like you. Deal with it. And don't go kissing my girl. 

I think my territorial jealousy takes about fifty points off my IQ. Buffy good, Riley BAD!

I'm losing my mind.

Buffy takes the few steps needed to put her by my side, and Riley stares for a minute before shaking his head angrily and stalking off. Buffy puts her hand on my arm and turns me to face her, and I can see the apology in her eyes. I shake my head and smile, indicating that she did nothing wrong, and has no need to apologise. I'm not mad at Buffy. I'm pissed as all hell at Riley, but I'm not mad at Buffy.

Buffy smiles gratefully, and leans in to kiss me a quick kiss, and it isn't until she pulls away that I realise that I don't give a damn that she just kissed me in public. I don't care what the rest of the world thinks about our relationship. If they have a problem with it they can take it up with Buffy, and after that I don't think they'll be so judgemental.

At least not if they want to keep all their body parts.

Ewww. Mental image. I'm definitely devolving here. I shouldn't be having these weird thoughts of my girlfriend beating up anyone who looks at us funny. Just because she could… well, that's no reason to get all aggressive like. I'm starting to scare me.

Nah, I'm over it. I mean, if it's a choice between being more aggressive because I have Buffy, and losing Buffy because I let some jerk move in on her, then I'm all for the first option. Go Neanderthalism!

And now I'm making up words.

That can't be a good sign.

Buffy and I start heading back toward the dorms, apparently we both decided that after seeing Riley, we've had enough for one night. I don't think there's really much we can do anyway. I mean, crowd control is all well and good, but as soon as Buffy leaves the fights probably just break out again. I think it's kind of useless attempting to control it.

I just wish that our society were stronger. We should be able to withstand disaster and continue to function normally during something like this. Just because something finally happened in this town that the people can't selectively ignore, suddenly everyone's either afraid to leave their houses or out committing random acts of vandalism. I find that it's really depressing that our entire structure of society just collapses at the slightest touch.

Well, okay, so maybe that wasn't really fair. I guess the entire town losing their voices is a bit more than a 'slight touch', but I still feel I have a point. We're so proud of ourselves as a country, we should be stronger in the face of adversity, even if we don't really know what's happening. Especially in Sunnydale. I would have thought that this town would breed stronger people, but it seems that almost everyone manages to just ignore the Hellmouth and the trouble it causes.

I think the only thing I can really say to sum up society's reaction to this is "People are weird."

And don't you forget it.

-------------

Buffy wakes me up the next morning with by gently shaking me on the shoulder, and it's only the grim expression on her face that stops my wordless complaint that there are better ways to wake me up.

Giving me a shaky smile, Buffy hands me a newspaper and climbs into bed with me. Her arms wrap around me and pull me close as I read the headline. "Brutal Slaying", is the main one, and further down there's another. "Fifteen Year Old Stabbed, Heart Missing."

Oh. Ewww. Oh god. Bad. This is very, very bad.

Buffy's arms tighten around me, and I'm incredibly grateful for the comfort that brings. I read over the rest of the front page, and from the descriptions of the murders (which I could have lived without) they both appear connected. Buffy reaches around me and taps the bottom corner, where there's a small column that announces a third murder. There's a note that says the story is continued on another page, but I don't want to read it.

I twist in Buffy's arms to she can see my face. 'Giles?' I ask silently. She nods, and gives me one last squeeze before we climb out of bed. While I'm dressing, Buffy runs out of the room for a minute, and I'm pretty much ready to leave by the time she returns. I look at her to ask her where she went, but she just smiles at me and pulls a paper bag out from behind her back.

She looks at the floor for a second, and it's adorable how shy she looks in that moment. When she looks up at me again, her smile is still in place, and she mouths 'breakfast for you.'

Aww. That's so sweet.

I don't bother saying thankyou, but I think she gets the message anyway when I virtually jump at her and start kissing her. Her arms wrap around my waist, and we stay that way for a while before she pushes me gently down onto my bed. I don't actually remember crossing the room, but right now, I don't care.

Buffy lowers herself down onto me, her eyes locked on mine. I don't want to break the connection that forms, so I wait for Buffy to make a move. Eventually she does, and she dips her head just a little until she finds my lips. I close my eyes as her tongue glides out to part my lips, and her hands start to roam over my body as the kiss deepens.

I feel the buttons on my shirt being undone, and the thought briefly crosses my mind that I really shouldn't have bothered to get dressed. But the electric touch of Buffy's cool hands against my overheated skin is enough to banish any further thought, even from my mind.

My own hands start to work at Buffy's clothing, and before long her shirt is off and she's somehow managed to divest herself of her own pants while helping me with mine. She moves slowly back up my body until her lips once again find mine, and the touch of our bare skin is almost too much for me to handle. Considering what Buffy can to do me with just a look, this is… well…

Buffy abandons my lips for the time being, and nips at my neck while her fingers work at the clasp of my bra. I barely notice as she slides it off and drops it to the floor, her hands now driving me to distraction. She moves up my body a little to nip at my ear, and I can feel her warm breath there as I hear-

A loud banging noise.

What the?

Buffy lets out a silent groan and collapses on top of me, her face buried in my neck. Not that I don't like the feeling I get from the full body contact, but what the hell was that noise?

The fog over my mind clears as it comes again, and I suddenly feel very stupid. Right. Someone's at the door. That noise was someone knocking.

Nice deduction, Willow.

Can't they just go away? We're in the middle of something here.

But the knocking becomes me insistent, and Buffy lifts her head to look at me, a silent apology in her eyes. I shake my head, telling her that it isn't necessary, and give her a quick kiss before we both get off the bed and get dressed. When we're ready, Buffy opens the door.

Oh. Giles. He always did have the worst timing.

He nods 'good morning' to us both, then motions to a pile of books and papers that he's carrying under one arm. He jerks his head at us, telling us to follow, and Buffy and I just look at each other and shrug. I guess Giles found something. Which is good, considering the murders last night. But still…

He couldn't have found it in, say, another hour?

--------

I have no idea why I'm sitting in our psych classroom. Giles just led us here, and we found Xander and Anya already seated and waiting expectantly. Anya has popcorn.

How very strange.

I waved hello and grabbed a seat. Buffy did the same, after tossing Xander the message board she brought with her. I have mine too, it's currently tucked down beside me on the chair.

Giles is setting something up out the front, I think he's fiddling with Walsh's projector. What the hell does he need that for? What's he done, made us a slide show?

He finally figures out what he's doing, and he flips on the power and presses a button on the stereo. Music fills the air, and beside me I can see Buffy raise her eyebrows.

Geez, Giles. Melodramatic much?

He puts up the first overhead, and I can't help the smirk that forms on my face when it's backwards. He watches us, waiting for us to read it, and I point at the screen in an attempt to tell him it's backwards. He finally catches on, and turns it around the right way.

There's not much on it, just the words 'Who are the Gentlemen?'. Giles changes it after a minute, and the new one reads 'What do they want?'

Ooh. I know that one. Me, over here. I point at my chest, and Buffy smiles, nodding her agreement. Xander looks a bit confused though, and holds his hands in front of him like he's cupping breasts he doesn't have. 'Boobies?' he mouths, and I can't help but roll my eyes. Giles puts up anther slide, this one with pictures of hearts all over it. I point at it, and Xander nods in comprehension.

I love the guy, but seriously, he's got a one track mind.

'They come to a town…'

And we have pictures. Heh, they're so cute.

'They steal all the voices, so no one can scream…'

Oh. So that's it. Bad Gentlemen.

Okay, that sounded weird.

'Then…'

Ah. More pictures. And these ones… not so cute. They're still very cartoonish, but now they're less Smurfs and more Itchy and Scratchy.

I think Giles needs therapy.

Xander starts clicking to get everyone's attention, and Giles stops the show for a minute. After finishing writing something, Xander holds it up and shows it around. 'How do we kill them?' is the question.

Movement next to me makes my attention turn to Buffy, and I don't even want to know what she's doing. I know what it looks like she's suggesting, but, eww… She getting looks from everyone else in the room too, and I reach out my hand and slap her on the arm.

She looks at me as if to ask 'What?' and I just shake my head. She stares at me for a moment before her eyes go wide, and she slaps me back lightly before reaching into her bag and pulling out a stake and repeating her earlier motion.

Oh. That makes sense. Stab them. Violence. Good. That's what I thought she meant.

Giles puts up another slide that informs us that no sword can kill them, but a princess screamed once and they all died.

Where does he get this stuff?

I get an idea and start rummaging through my bag as Buffy leans across me and snags my message board. She starts writing something, but I've found what I'm looking for, and I hold it up for Giles to see. He shakes his head at my CD (not even commenting on my brilliant performance of dying Gentlemen) and puts up another slide.

'Only a real human voice.'

Yeah, well you've got an answer for everything, don't you?

Buffy clicks for attention, and holds up the board. 'How do I get my voice back?' is written in Buffy's small handwriting, and Giles shrugs.

Hah! Don't have an answer now, do ya?

---------

I hate this part.

Buffy's out patrolling, and I'm stuck in our dorm room attempting to find anything on the net that will help Buffy get her voice back. So far, it's been hours, and still nothing. I found the fairy tale that Giles found the Gentlemen in, but that didn't tell me squat. I'll tell you one thing though, fairytales are just plain viscous. Especially when they have illustrations.

In colour.

I mean talk about eww…

It's weird some of the things I found, though. Did you know that almost all fairytales have been changed so small children don't get traumatised? Take 'The Little Mermaid' for example. Before Disney found it, Arial didn't get the Prince, he married the evil chick instead, and Arial was turned into foam. The actual story is really sad, I almost cried. I probably would have, if I hadn't already been partially desensitised by the way the dwarfs sold everything they owned to buy Snow White a coffin.

As interesting as it is, I don't think anything I've found is of any use, and I've pretty much given up hope of finding a way for Buffy to get her voice back. I think I'll give it one more try, but I need a break for a little while.

A loud thumping down the hall causes me to open my eyes, and it's the crick in my neck I feel as I move my head that informs me that I must have fallen asleep at my desk. The thumping noise comes again, and it sounds like someone's knocking on all the doors in the hallway. The noise seems almost unnatural in the silence of the night, but something's going on out there. And since I'm the only one here, I guess I should probably check it out.

I open my door, and not seeing anyone right away, I turn my head just in time to see someone slam into me. We both land on the ground, and I notice with some surprise that it's that shy girl from the wicca group. It takes me a moment to get over my confusion, but when I collect myself a little I can clearly see the terror in her eyes. Looking down the hall at the way she came, I gasp silently in shock at the creatures chasing her.

I recognise the Gentlemen from Giles' pictures and my own research, but nowhere did it say they floated. Oh, man, that's just way creepy. And I don't even want to go into the monkey guys in straitjackets.

The girl grasps my arm and pulls me up, and it's only when I try and put weight on my right foot that I notice I must have damaged my ankle. Limping on my other foot we both race for the stairwell, with the girl supporting some of my weight.

Well, at least she's helping me after injuring me. I think I'm really lucky she didn't take off and leave me there. There's no way I'd have been able to move this fast on my own.

We make it down the stairs, but those mental hospital rejects are right behind us. Seeing the door to the laundry room I steer us towards it, but as soon as we get inside I collapse, the pain in my ankle too much for me. Blondie locks the door, and quickly crouches down beside me. She's staring at me a little too intensely for my comfort, but I let it slide for the moment. My concentration is elsewhere, anyway.

Narrowing my eyes, I focus everything I can on the food machine, willing it to move. There was no way that lock was going to hold. The machine wobbles, but I can't make it do more than that.

Come on, damn it! I refuse to be found tomorrow morning and have my autopsy read "Mauled by wild dogs".

Gathering all the force I can from my surroundings I throw it all at the food machine. Still all it does is wobble, and I have nothing more than this. Argh! Come on, you damn piece of…

My head snaps sideways to stare at Blondie when she grabs my hand. My first instinct is to pull away, and my second to offer comfort, and I'm about to follow my second instinct when power rushes through me. Not questioning my good fortune, I channel it and direct it to where I need it to go. With almost no resistance, the food machine slides along the floor and slams solidly into the door. I stare at it for a second, an unbelievable high rushing through me, before I come down enough for realisation to set in.

Oh, wow.

That was…

Wow.

I don't think I've ever felt something so…

Wow.

I'm breathing hard as I turn my attention to Blondie, and it's easy to see she felt that too. That power, all that energy, it was all from her.

I've so got me a new spellcasting buddy.

She's still gripping my hand, and I pull away when I realise almost guiltily that I'm holding hers just as tight. Something flashes through her eyes when I break the contact, but I'm too busy concentrating on Buffy to care right now. I know it shouldn't matter, but for some reason I feel guilty for touching the girl. Just because I'm with Buffy now doesn't mean I can't hold hands with other people. I always had physical contact with Buffy when I was dating Oz. I've done nothing wrong here.

Still, I don't take her hand again.

I open my mouth to ask her her name, before I remember we can't talk. I close it again, feeling slightly stupid, when something rushes into my mouth and settles almost uncomfortably in my throat. I try to cough, and I'm so surprised when I can hear it that I almost jump. Clearing my throat, the sound seems almost unnatural.

"I… uh… I guess we've got our voices back," I say lamely.

Blondie nods, her eyes dropping to the floor as her shyness kicks in. I think it's kind of rude I keep calling her Blondie, so I ask her what her name is, hoping that she doesn't remember that I've probably heard it before. I think someone in the wicca group said it, but I kind of forgot.

"Tara," she says softly.

"Thanks for your help with the door, Tara," I say, completely at a loss.

When she doesn't say anything, I decide that I don't want to be stuck in the laundry all night, and since we can talk again, it's probably safe to go out. I stand up and limp to the door, anxious to find Buffy. If I can just get back up to our room, she should be there soon.

Of course, there's now the small problem of unblocking the door.

**********


	6. Chapter 6

****************

I think I'm about to have a stroke.

Seriously.

Or something.

It's been over an hour since Tara and I got out of the laundry room, and Buffy still hasn't come back. I called Giles, but he said she hadn't been by his place either. I'm really starting to get worried.

Screw waiting. I've had enough. I'm going looking for her. What if she's hurt? She could be lying defenceless somewhere where all kinds of bad hellmouthy type things could happen to her. What if she's…

Sitting in the hall with her back against the door.

What?

Okay, so now she's lying on the floor, since I moved the door, but what the hell is the doing in the hall?

"Buffy?" I ask hesitantly. "Are you okay? What are you doing out here?"

I'm so pissed off that she made me worry when she was just outside the whole time, but I'm more concerned about her at the moment. I'll be mad later.

She looks up at me from where she's still lying on the floor. "Hey Will," she says. "How're you doing?"

Right. Now I'm just pissed.

I grab hold of her and pull her to her feet. She doesn't resist, but she doesn't help either, so it's a little more difficult than I had planned. I hiss a bit at the pain in my ankle, and Buffy immediately takes her weight off me.

"Will, what's wrong?"

"What's wrong?" I exclaim. What does she think is wrong! "What's wrong is that I've been in here for the past hour worried sick about you, and you've been sitting out in the hall the entire time. Why didn't you just come inside? Didn't you think I care enough to want to know you're okay after you've been out fighting some big nasty fairytale thing?"

Good going. I had to stick the fairytale bit in. Now I just sound like a moron.

Buffy blanches, and somehow manages an appropriate look of contrition. "Will, calm down, okay? I'm sorry. I just had some stuff to think about. I wasn't hurt, and everything's fine. I didn't mean to make you worry."

Calm down? She expects me to calm down? That's exactly the wrong thing to say to someone when they're mad at you. Apparently Buffy hasn't figured that out yet. She had stuff to think about? What kind of lame-ass excuse is… Oh, god. What stuff? What could she possibly have had to think about that she couldn't come in and tell me she was okay? What if it's about us? What if she's decided we moved too fast, and she only wanted to sleep with me because we lost our voices and she didn't know how to turn me down and everyone was very emotional and we weren't thinking straight and we can't have a relationship any more because she-

"Will?" Buffy's voice cuts off my thoughts. "Are you okay? What's up? You look like you're about to cry. I'm sorry, I really am, I just…"

I chose that moment to burst into tears.

Oh, well done. Very mature, Willow.

Buffy envelopes me in a hug. "Willow? What's wrong? Why are you crying? Shh, sweetheart. I'm here, everything's okay. I love you, I'm sorry I upset you. Please Will, tell me what's wrong."

I sniffle a bit as I try to control my tears. She called me sweetheart, so that's good, right? If she was going to break it off, she wouldn't be calling me that.

Right?

I'm still fighting tears, and I barely notice when Buffy guides us out of the doorway and into the room, closing the door behind us. She takes me over to the end of her bed and sits me down, pulling up the desk chair for herself so we're sitting face to face, our knees touching. She lets go of my hands to wipe the tears from my cheeks, a somewhat futile effort since they just keep falling anyway. She's got the perfect remedy for that though, when she leans over and kisses me.

Okay. I guess that's a good sign.

"Will?" she asks, her voice soft. "What made you cry? Was it me? Please sweetie, I never want to make you cry."

I sniff to clear my nose, and shake my head. "I'm sorry, Buffy," I say. "I didn't mean…"

Buffy kisses me again and I forget what I was about to say. When she pulls away, she puts a finger under my chin so she can look me in the eye. "Will, whatever it is, you've got nothing to apologise for. I'm sorry I didn't come straight in, that was selfish of me. I didn't even think."

I manage a smile. "I thought you were sitting outside to think?"

She rolls her eyes and grins wryly. "Well, I'm obviously not very good at it."

"So what were you thinking about?" I ask, still sniffling.

She stiffens at my questions, and my fears come back full force. I think she must see it in my face, because her expression softens and she moves the hand that's holding my chin to caress my cheek. "Nothing bad, I promise. Something just came up tonight that I'm not sure how to deal with."

"What?"

She stands up abruptly and starts pacing the room. "I'm not sure if I can tell you," she says finally.

Ouch.

No, really. That hurts.

"Why not?"

"I don't want to put you in danger."

"Since when?" I say snidely.

Okay, I'll admit that wasn't really fair, and I hate the hurt look that appears on her face. I know she hates it that I put myself in harm's way to help her, and I know that there's no way I'd ever let her convince me to stop. She does her best to protect me, and I know that. If she thinks it's better that I don't know this, then she probably has a good reason, but that doesn't stop it hurting.

"That's not fair, Will," she says softly.

"I know," I reply. "I didn't really mean it. It just hurts that you won't trust me."

She stops her pacing a looks at me. "You know I trust you. I'm just afraid."

Afraid. Oh, that's so not of the good.

"Of what?"

"Of what these people will do to you if they know that you know."

"Know what?" I am so confused.

"What I know and don't want to tell you."

"Which is?"

"I'm not telling."

Damn.

"Come on, Buffy," I say, and I'm not far off begging here. "How would 'they' know that you told me?"

"You'd act all weird."

I would not.

"I would not."

"Oh you know you would to," she counters. "You know you've never been able to keep a secret."

I can so. "I've never told anyone you're the Slayer."

She shrugs off my argument. "That's not a fair comparison."

"Why not?" I think it's perfectly valid.

"Me being the Slayer doesn't cause you to have to lie to people. It's not like people go around asking 'Hey, is Buffy the Slayer?'. If I told you, you'd have to act all normal to someone you know when you now know something about them that they'd do anything to hide," she looks at me, her expression serious. "Do you think you could do that?"

Of course I could. What could possibly be that bad about someone I know that they'd do anything to hide it? "Sure," I say.

She sighs, and leans against the desk behind her. "Riley's one of the commandos."

Oh.

That's… unexpected.

"You shouldn't have told me that," I say, regretting my insistence that she come clean.

"I told you so."

"Yeah, yeah. You were right. How'd you find out, anyway?" In for a penny, in for a pound and all that.

"I ran into him while I was hunting the Gentlemen," she answers. "I pulled a crossbow on him, he pulled some cheesy sci-fi blaster on me, we stared at each other for a minute, then some mental hospital rejects jumped us. We win, he gives me a weird look, and runs off."

"That's it?" I ask incredulously. I thought she'd give me more details than that.

"Pretty much," she shrugs. "I mean, there was a pretty mean battle somewhere in the middle there, but other than that there's not really much else."

"Right…" I say slowly, drawing out the word so it's clear as day that I'm unimpressed. "So how'd you get our voices back?"

I don't know what I'm expecting, but when Buffy snickers I'm fairly certain that wasn't it. "Oh, god, Will," she starts, laughing. "It was so funny. One of the guys in straightjackets has me pinned, right? And of course it's right when I can't do anything about it that I see this box that was in that dream I had a few days ago, you remember? The one with you in it?" I nod, and she continues. "Anyway, I spot this box, but I can't reach it, since it's sitting on a table with all these glass jars. So I make enough noise to try and get Riley's attention, and when he turns around I point at the box. Then," she takes a breath, "and this is the funny part, right. He takes a few strides and brings the end of his gun down on one of the empty glass jars, completely smashing it to bits. Then he gives me this look, this 'I did something good, do I get a pat on the head?' kind of look." I laugh, and Buffy rolls her eyes. "Yeah, that was what I thought. So anyway, I glare at him for a while before he gets it, and then he smashes the box. It must have been holding everyone's voices or something, because as soon as it broke I screamed, and all their heads exploded."

"Their heads exploded?" I ask blankly.

Buffy nods, and smiles again. "Actually, the expression on their faces right before it happened was kind of funny too," she catches the look I'm giving her and grins sheepishly. "Then again, I think maybe I'm getting a little too used to living on the Hellmouth."

"Possibly," I acknowledge. "Watching demon's heads explode shouldn't be funny."

"I guess not. Maybe I should see a professional about this."

Uh-huh. She's trying so hard to keep a straight face right now. I see practically see the muscles twitching. Still, if she wants to play…

"I think that might be a good idea," I say, perfectly serious. "Maybe Giles can recommend someone."

She cracks, and I hold back a smile. "Will! You can't be serious!" she exclaims.

"Well, it's not like you can see a regular therapist," I continue. "You'd have to find someone who already knows about demons and all the evil stuff."

She's silent for a moment before she smirks at me. "You're messing with me, aren't you?"

Who? Me? Would I do that?

"Of course not," I say. I'm not admitting anything.

"Will…" she growls, and I shiver at the tingle that runs down my spine, and it's got nothing to do with fear.

"Buffy…" is all I manage to get out before she pushes off the desk behind her and leaps at me, pinning me underneath her to the bed. She leans down and kisses me, and any thought I had of defending myself disappear as she finally lowers her body onto mine.

She pulls away, and chuckles when I complain. She bites me softly on the ear and whispers "Maybe this time we won't be interrupted."

Unfortunately, the words are no sooner out of her mouth than the phone rings. We both groan, and she buries her face in my neck.

"You know this is all your fault," I say.

"Yeah, yeah," she grumbles, before climbing off me to reach the phone.

---------

It's weird how things just seem to go back to normal around here. Something bad happens, and a day later, everything's all good again and there's nothing to talk about. I guarantee, within a week, if I ask someone about what they felt about the whole town losing their voices, they'll say 'Huh?'. And with a bit of reminding, they'll go 'Oh, yeah. That was a pretty bad virus, don't you think?'

People are funny that way.

Me, though. I don't have the luxury of forgetting. No matter what happens, I have to deal with remembering it and all the emotional trauma that goes along with that. Not that the Gentlemen were the worst thing to happen to this town, but I'm not just talking about that. It's when it all starts to mount up that it gets to me. I can go for ages without even thinking about some memory or other, but then something comes up and I'm suddenly thrust back to when I thought Buffy was dead, or when I tried to turn myself into a vampire (although that's one of the more confusing stories).

There are just some days when I can't handle everything. It all just gets too much, and I have to get away from everyone that reminds me of what I'm running from. Which is why I snapped at Buffy this morning and ran out before she could say anything. Last night I was fine, everyone was safe and had their voices back, and I slept safe and warm in the comfort of Buffy's arms. So I don't know why today life decided to jump me.

I'll have to apologise to Buffy when I see her again. She's not on campus at the moment though because she had to go and see Giles, so I've got a brief respite. I just don't know what I'm going to say. She's the one that carries the weight of the world on her shoulders, so what right do I have to be freaking out on her. She needs my support, and what do I do? Run off on her when I can't handle something. Sure, I don't run as far as Buffy has on occasions… but that's not really the point.

All I can say is thank god we don't have psych today. There's no way I could handle facing Riley. I'm just not up to lying today. He'd probably take one look at me and know Buffy told me about him. I really shouldn't have pressed that issue. Next time Buffy tells me she shouldn't tell me something, I'm going to believe her.

Right now though, I've got a craving for coffee. I'm jittery enough already, I don't see how more caffeine is going to hurt. Plus, I don't want to go back to the dorm yet. I'm putting off that conversation for as long as possible. I know it's stupid, but I also know that Buffy's going to blame herself for putting me through everything in the last couple of years, and I really don't want her to do that.

She blames herself for enough as it is.

Everyone she couldn't save, all the vampires she's had to kill that were once people she didn't know were in danger, all the friends she's seen die - I don't know how she does it. I know I wouldn't have the strength to.

Grabbing my bag I head toward the student centre. They don't make great coffee, but I don't want to walk to the Expresso Pump. I'm almost there when I hear my name being called, and I can't help freezing up for a moment before I realise that it's not Buffy. I take a moment to gather my composure before I turn around and see Tara standing about five feet away.

Okay, so she said my name from right beside me. I'm really very aware of my surroundings today, can't you tell?

"W-Willow," she says, and I can't help but smile a little at her stutter. It's kind of cute. "Hi, I…" she stops and looks down at her feet, biting her lip. A broad grin forms on my face, and I can almost forget about my emotional overload for a while. This girl is just too adorable.

"Tara, hey," I say, trying to put her at ease. "I was hoping to talk to you sometime. Wanna come grab a drink with me?" She looks up and nods slightly, the corners of her mouth turning upwards in a small smile. "Come on then."

She follows me to the café, barely looking around to see where she's going, and not saying a word. After ordering our drinks we grab a table and sit down, and Tara still hasn't made eye contact with me again. This is amazing. I mean, I know I was shy in high school, but I don't think I was _ever_ this bad.

"So," I say, not really sure how to begin, since I have no idea what I want to say anyway. "How are you?"

She looks a little surprise at the question, but finally looks at me. "F-fine," she stutters, swallowing hard. "H-how's your a-ankle?"

"Good as new," I reply. "It wasn't even a sprain or anything. Hurt for a little while last night, but it was fine this morning."

"Good," she says softly. "I… I d-didn't mean to hurt you."

"You didn't," I say, reassuring her. "It's fine. What were you doing outside, anyway? You should know Sunnydale's dangerous after dark."

She nods. "I d-do," she says. "I w-was looking for you."

"For me?"

Well. I didn't know that.

"I w-was thinking, you know, that m-maybe w-we could d-do a spell or s-something," she continues. "You know, to get everyone's voices back. I'd… I'd seen you in the Wicca group, and you're… d-different from them. They didn't seem to know-"

"What they were talking about?" I finish for her.

She gives me a shy smile and nods, ducking her head a little. "I um… I think if they saw a w-witch, they would, um… run the other way."

"Probably," I agree. "So how long have you been practising?"

"Always," she answers, after a slight hesitation. "My Mom was a witch, she uh… had a lot of p-power. Like you." She says the last part in a softer voice, lowering her eyes to the table.

I shrug. Me, a lot of power? Hardly. I mean, I want to learn, but I know I have limits. "I'm nothing special," I tell her, hoping to lead her away from a topic that's making me slightly uncomfortable. A lack of power isn't something I can overcome by studying. It's the only thing I haven't been able to get better at with hard work.

Tara doesn't seem ready to drop it just yet though. I doubt she's noticed my discomfort. "But you are," she argues.

Well. That's nice, anyway.

I smile at her, and this time it's my turn to have my chronic shyness take over. I look at the table while attempting to fight off the blush that I can feel on my face. I get myself under control and look up at her again. She reddens when I make eye contact, ad the corner of my mouth quirks up when I realise she must have been studying me while I wasn't looking.

"Can we…" I take a deep breath. "Can we practise together? I'm sure I could learn a lot from you."

She's quiet a moment before she answers. "You… You really want to? P-Practise with me?"

From what I felt last night? Hell yeah.

"Of course," I say. "You've been doing this for so much longer than I have. I've been trying to teach myself, but that's harder than it sounds."

"Dangerous, too," Tara adds.

I shrug. "I guess. Plus, from what happened last night, that's a good sign we'd be good at working together, right?"

"It's v-very good," she answers. "The fact that we could do that at all… we shouldn't have been able to."

Huh?

"Why not?"

"Well… it kind of depended on you."

Again. Huh?

She sees my look and tries to explain. "You couldn't focus your power. Y-you know you should have been able to block the door by yourself."

"I should?"

"You have more than enough power. You just… didn't know what to do with it. You had a… b-barrier, that you didn't know h-how to o-overcome."

A barrier? Since when?

"So what happened then?" I ask.

"You took the answer from me," she answers. "I k-knew how to do it, and when we t-touched… s-somehow you j-just knew."

"So all the power came from me?"

She nods. "Most of it. You took s-some from me, but the rest… do you see what I meant when I said you were p-powerful?"

For some reason, this is making me feel really, really weird.

"I still don't get it," I say. "The power came from me, fine. But how did I get that knowledge of how to use it from you?"

"That's what's confusing," she says. "What you did was very ad-advanced. It usually takes years of witches practising together before they can synchronise like w-we did. B-basically, what you did was pick the knowledge out of my mind in a instant."

"And I shouldn't have been able to do that?" I ask slowly. She shakes her head, and I sit back in my chair, trying to digest it all.

I did something advanced with magic.

Yay me!

This kind of worries me though. I've always had a habit of my spells going wrong, people getting hurt. It never really got out of hand, because I never thought I had the power to do anything really big. Sure, I restored Angel's soul, but I don't think that was all me. Something went _through_ me during that spell, and I wasn't in control at all. I may have started that ritual, but I wasn't there for all of it.

My other spells, though. The only thing I've been really successful at so far is floating a pencil. And aside from staking the occasional vampire if he decides to attack me in a stationary store, I don't think that's going to take me very far.

But this psychic thing I did with Tara? What I felt last night, I mean… wow. I've never experienced anything like it, and if that's what magic's meant to feel like, then count me in. This is definitely something I want to explore.

Tara's voice brings me out of my musings. "I don't think so," she says, and it takes me a moment to remember my question. Oh, right. The psychic thing.

"Well, maybe we're just good together," I tell her. As soon as the words are out of my mouth I realise that they sound a bit… not so much only about magic. I hope she didn't take it that way. I wouldn't want to lead her on or anything.

Ah, who am I kidding? She probably didn't even think about it like that. Just because I've suddenly decided I prefer the same sex (just Buffy, mind you. I'm not looking), doesn't mean that every girl I meet is going to be gay too. Tara wouldn't be gay. Nah, there's no way. And even if she was, it's not like it would matter to me. I've got Buffy. I'm not interested in anyone else. I wouldn't ever think about Tara that way.

So why is it that I feel strangely guilty about hanging with her?

And why didn't I tell Buffy about what I felt last night?

__

Damn.

*****************


	7. Chapter 7

***********

I'm screwed.

Seriously.

I don't know why, but every time I have something good, I have to do something to mess it up. It's like there's some part of me that's only purpose is to ruin my life. Make me do things that I would never do, sabotage the things that make me happy.

For the past few weeks, everything had been great. Buffy and I settled into our relationship, and I started to not immediately think she was going to break up with me every time she wanted to talk. Buffy stopped the world from ending, we all saw Riley in his commando gear so I didn't have to pretend around him any more, and Giles got turned into a demon. So, all in all, a pretty average few weeks for us.

I also started improving at Witchcraft. Tara's been an enormous help, and we can do some amazing spells together. I told Buffy about it, and she was really happy for me at first, saying it was great that I met someone who could help me. Over the last week or so though, Buffy started dropping hints that she didn't want me spending so much time at Tara's. Me being me, of course, felt this was totally unfair. Tara's my friend, what right does Buffy have to interfere?

I think I conveniently managed to forget that Buffy's my girlfriend. And my best friend.

And she might not be either after I talk to her.

I screwed up. Again. Only this time, I'm not going to let it come out on its own. I've seen the results when that happens, and it's not going to be that way this time. I may have just mad biggest mistake of my life, but I'm not going to be a coward as well. If I don't tell Buffy the truth, and she finds out another way, our relationship will be shot. At least this way, I have a chance. Not a big one, but I'm hoping Buffy at least gives me the chance to explain. I don't deserve it, I know, but I'm hoping. I can't give up on this.

Buffy's lying on her bed reading when I get back to the dorm. She looks up and smiles at me when I open the door, and I freeze. I can't help it. I know I said I wasn't going to be a coward, but right now, looking at her, I want to run. I don't want to hurt her, and I know that that's exactly what I'm about to do.

Buffy apparently notices my strange reaction to seeing her, and gets up from the bed. "Will? What's wrong?" she asks, walking toward me.

I back up against the door, which I somehow closed behind me, unconsciously trying to put as much space as possible between us. Buffy either doesn't notice or ignores it, taking my hand and leading me to my bed, where she gently pushes me down and sits beside me. "Will?" she repeats. "What happened? Are you okay?"

Well, that does it. I burst into tears. She pulls me to her, wrapping her arms around me, and I let her, knowing that this is probably the last time I'll get to feel this. She holds me until my tears ease a little, and then pulls back, wiping my eyes with her thumbs, drying my tears. When she kisses me, I almost start to cry again, but something stops me. I don't want to ruin what will possibly be our last kiss.

She's going to hate me.

"Buffy," I manage to say before I choke on a sob.

She doesn't say anything, waiting for me to continue. It takes me a few minutes, but I finally pull myself together. "You're going to hate me," I say.

"Why?" she asks softly, confusion written all over her face.

"I didn't mean to," I continue, blocking out everything so I can get through this. "I never mean to. It just happened. We were doing a spell, and the next thing I know… I didn't mean to. I love you, I do. I never mean to. It just always happens. I ruin everything. I always ruin everything. I…" I can't say it. I can't get the words out. "I'm so sorry," I whisper, before I jump from the bed and run from the room.

No Willow, you're not a coward.

---------

I'm afraid to go back. I'm so scared that when I see her, Buffy will turn away from me. That she won't love me any more, that she won't even like me. She's the best thing in my life, and I've seriously screwed myself over.

I'm afraid that she didn't understand what I was trying to tell her, and I'm afraid that she did. I couldn't even get the words past my lips when I tried to tell her, and I hope she worked it out, because I can't do that again. Hell, I couldn't do it the first time.

I think I'm afraid of relationships. Maybe I'm afraid of being happy. All I know is that when I was with Oz, I kissed Xander. Oz was hurt, but we worked it out. Then, I cheat on him again, only this time with Buffy. Okay, so I kind of saw that as a blessing in disguise for a while, it did get me Buffy, after all, but when all's said and done, I still cheated.

And now? Now I'm happy with Buffy, completely in love, and what do I do? Follow the pattern, that's what. Great Willow, ruin the best thing in your life by kissing another girl.

I want to cry. I want to rage, to be angry, to scream and shout and run away from everything. But I can't cry, because I'm too angry. And I can't do anything about the anger, because it's all directed at me. I could scream at myself, but I think I might get some strange looks from the other people in the park. Not that I really care right now, but there's some part of me that would rather not be seen as a lunatic.

Aren't I though? I have to be some kind of crazy. No sane person could mess things up like I have. I don't know how long I've been sitting here, but I don't think I can leave this bench. I like the park. It's pretty.

I hurt inside. My chest feels so tight I can't breathe. I barely notice as my tears finally start to fall, my anger gone in the face of this pain inside of me. I pull my legs up and hug my knees to my chest, in a vain attempt to find some sort of comfort. I feel like my heart's stopped, and the fact that I'm still alive when it's in pieces draws up my anger again, which only makes the hurt worse.

My breath start coming out in ragged sobs as I give in to it, and I close my eyes and rest my head against my knees, wrapping my arms even tighter around my legs. As the pain wells up with more force than ever I let my mind shut down so I can block it out.

When I finally come out of it, I notice with some shock that it's dark. Judging by the way the park is now deserted, I can only assume that the sun's been down fro some time. A niggling piece of fear works its way into my mind, but I ignore it. I don't have time for that. Unwrapping my arms from around my legs, I try to stretch them out. Unfortunately, spending the afternoon in one position has caused my body to cramp up, and unbending my knees proves to be a slow and painful process.

I'm still in the middle of working the kinks out of my body when I hear someone step on a dry twig behind me. I spin around, ignoring the protests from my aching joints.

"Great," I mutter. "Just what I needed."

The vampire smiles and growls deep in his throat. I roll my eyes. He thinks that's threatening? Sure, he can probably kill me before I take two steps, but for some reason I don't seem to care right now. It's strange. I feel so detached, like I'm only slightly more involved than I would be if I was watching a movie or something.

The vampire stops growling and looks confused when I don't scream and run away. "Aren't you gonna try and run?" he asks.

I shrug. "Is there any point?"

He just looks more confused. "It makes it more fun," he tries.

I laugh. "Yeah, that's top on my list of priorities right now. Go out of my way so you have a better time killing me. Sorry, if you're going to kill me, you'll just have to be bored while you're doing it."

He's silent for a minute before he shrugs. "I can deal with that," he says, and jumps over the bench that was still separating us. He tries to grab me, but I duck out of the way just in time. I'm not entirely sure what I'm doing, since everything is still feeling very strange. I don't particularly want to be vampire chow, but I also don't really care. Really, what I want is just to go somewhere where I can be alone and wallow in self-pity.

Actually, what I'd _really_ like is to reverse time, not kiss Tara, and then go back to the dorm and make love with Buffy all night.

It's a nice fantasy.

The vamp lunges at me again, and this time he manages to grab my shirt when I try and get away. Pining my arms to my sides, he pushes me roughly up against a tree, smiling when he finally gets to see fear in my eyes.

Screw that. I'm not giving him anything.

I close my eyes and wait while he slowly lowers his teeth to my neck. Time seems to freeze, but I'm not thinking anything. There's no flash of memories, no life passing before my eyes. There's just nothing, and the wait for it all to end seems like an eternity. Like Hell. Finally, sharp teeth pierce my neck, and with the sudden pain my mind clears and the fog of apathy that shrouded my mind vanishes.

What the hell am I _doing_?

Muttering a few words, I flare out the fingers on my right hand and feel a ball of flame grow and float above my palm. Screaming, I lift my arm and thrust my hand into his chest, venting all the pain and anger and hurt I had been feeling as I watch him burn.

He collapses into ash still trying to put out the flames that were consuming him, and as the last of the fire dies away I sink to the ground, my back still pressed against the tree. Now that the danger is gone, I can't control my emotions. Pulling my legs up to my chest again, I put my head on my knees and cry.

**********


	8. Chaper 8

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I'm not sure how long I cried for. It must have been a while. It's not like I can just get over losing the love of my life with a good ten-minute cry. I wasn't wearing a watch, and I probably wouldn't have thought to look at it even if I had been. All I know is that I was still sitting there crying when Buffy found me.

When I looked up and saw her there I just put my head down and started crying harder. In the brief moment I'd seen her face, there was something indescribable in her expression, and I had no idea what she was thinking. All I could see was the person I loved more than anything in the world, the girl I wanted more than life itself – the one I betrayed.

I refused to look up again. I couldn't look at her. I tried to bury myself in my head again, and let the blissful numbness slip over me again. I guess it must have worked, because I don't remember anything from that point to when I woke up a few minutes ago curled up on my bed.

Buffy's nowhere to be seen. She's not in the room, and I don't want to go and look for her. Actually, that's not true. I do want to go find her, but I'm afraid. I want to see her, to talk to her, but I don't know if she wants to see me. She must have brought me here, but she's not here any more.

Maybe she couldn't stand being in the same room as me. Maybe she only brought me back here because I could have been killed out in the night, and it's her job to keep people safe. Maybe she only brought me back here because her conscience wouldn't allow her to do anything else, but as soon as I was safe she didn't want to be around me.

She must hate me now. She-

The door opening distracts my thoughts. I watch with some trepidation as Buffy steps into the room. I meet her gaze and quickly look away. I can't stand to see the hurt in her eyes. The pain that I put there.

"Hey," she says softly.

I don't say anything. I can't. I want to, but I just can't seem to form any words. What do you say in a situation like this. With Oz, I begged and pleaded, told him over and over how sorry I was. I guess I could do that here, but I can't justify what I've done. At least with Xander I'd loved him since we were kids. I've only known Tara for just over a month. What I'd really like to know is '_What the hell is wrong with me!_'

There's a few minutes of silence while Buffy waits for me to talk to her. Eventually, she realises that I'm not about to say anything, and she comes and sits on my bed. "Why'd you do it Will?" she asks softly.

I shrug, the movement the absolute picture of my patheticness.

Ordinarily, I'd wonder at the fact I'm making up words, but it's not really top of my list of priorities right now.

"I don't know," I reply. I still can't look at her. "I think…" this is going to sound stupid "I think that I don't think that I'm allowed to be happy."

See. That sounded stupid.

"What?" asks Buffy, confused.

"You'll think it's dumb," I mumble.

"Maybe," she says softly. "But it's an explanation. And don't you think I deserve one?"

Ah. She's still pissed, despite the nice act. Somehow, that makes me feel better. Buffy's meant to be angry at me. That's how this works.

I'm silent for a minute, and I guess Buffy gets a little impatient, because she jumps in again before I can speak. I'm not sure what I was going to say, but that's not the point. I would have opened my mouth eventually.

And stuck my foot in it, I bet.

Well, better that that someone else's tongue.

Hey! Stop it. There's no need for snide remarks like that.

What planet are you _on_, Willow?

Buffy's voice cracks on her question. "Do you still love me? Did you ever? I mean, was I just… _convenient_?" She spits the last word.

My eyes snap up from where they've been busily contemplating my kneecaps. "Of course I love you!" I exclaim. "How can you even ask that?"

Oh. My. God.

I thought I was supposed to be smart.

I cringe before the words even finish leaving my mouth, and Buffy looks pissed. "How can I ask that? Come on, Will. You generally don't cheat on someone unless there's a problem with the relationship. What was wrong? Did I push you? Were you just afraid of hurting my feelings if you turned me down? What was it? Was it just being with _me_?"

Oh, crap. Now she's crying. I made her cry. She sits down on the bed and I can see her shoulders shake. I want to comfort her, hold her, but I don't know if it would be welcomed at the moment.

"Nothing was wrong, Buffy," I say. "And I think that's the problem."

She wipes away her tears before she looks at me. "I don't understand."

"I was happy," I tell her. "I was happier than I've ever been in my life. Being with you is exactly what I want."

"Want?" she asks. "Not wanted?"

"Want," I state firmly. "I'll want you forever. Love you forever."

She looks away from me, and I wonder if I've just overstepped and fallen off a cliff. "What about Tara?" she asks, still not looking at me.

"It was a mistake. I think, subconsciously, I was scared of what we had."

"Scared?"

I sigh. "I've thought about this a lot. Actually, I've done nothing but think about it. Do you remember when Oz and I first got together?" she nods, and I continue. "It was great. Finally, here was someone who wanted to be with me. It wasn't perfect, sure, but it was the best I'd ever felt. I wasn't used to feeling that. I got scared then, too. Scared that something was going to happen to rip it all away from me. So I made it happen first."

"Xander," Buffy comments.

I nod. "At first, I thought it was just because I'd had feelings for him since forever, and he suddenly wanted me. Why would I pass that up? I thought that all the way up until now, actually. But now that history's repeated itself… I think I worked it out."

Buffy's silent. I wonder what she's thinking. Her face is expressionless, and I can't see her eyes, so I'm totally in the dark as to how she's taking this.

"You thought we wouldn't last?" she asks finally.

"No!" I exclaim, grabbing her arm as she tries to move off the bed. "That's not it at all. I wasn't aware of it, but I think I was afraid I'd lose you."

"Isn't that the same thing?"

"No. I was scared that you could be killed, or hurt, or taken away from me." She's not buying it, I can tell. I wish she had, because I know she's going to be hurt by this.

"Tell me the truth, Will." She finally makes eye contact with me, and I have to look away. I think she read the answer in my eyes anyway.

"I was afraid you'd leave me."

I can't hold her as Buffy wrenches her arm from my grasp and moves away from the bed. She starts pacing, and I can tell she's tempted to put her fist through a wall. "I can't believe you'd think that," she grits out. "after everything we've been though, I can't believe you thought I'd just get up and leave you. I can't believe you don't trust me."

"I do trust you!" I almost yell. I'm off the bed now as well, and moving closer to Buffy by the second.

"The why don't you believe me when I tell you I love you?" she shoots back at me.'

"Because I don't see how you can!" I scream, "No-one else ever did!" 

And suddenly, all the pain and hurt and anguish that has built up over the years of rejection by my parents and my peers comes rushing up to the surface, overriding my defences and sending me over the edge. With a loud sob I collapse on the floor, crying like it's going out of style.

Arms warp around me and pull me into a warm embrace. Buffy holds me to her and rocks me gently, murmuring softly in my ear that everything's going to be all right. I want to believe her, and she is helping, but even she can't just take away all the hurt inside of me. it's been suppressed for so long, I don't think it's just going to give up after a while and go away again.

I'm not sure how long I cry for, but Buffy's there the whole time. When I finally get myself under control, I reach up to wipe the wetness from my cheeks. Buffy stops me, and I look up at her quizzically.

"Let me," she says, and she cups my face with her hands, drying my tears with soft strokes of her thumbs.

"I'm sorry," I say when I find my voice.

"Shhh," she murmurs. "You don't have to be sorry. It's not your fault. I never knew you were hurting that way."

"Neither did I," I answer, resting my head back against her shoulder. She's moved us so she's leaning comfortably against the bed, and I'm still curled up in her arms. "I was just so scared. I mean, you're everything I'm not. You're beautiful, strong, confident. You're perfect. Why would you ever want someone like me?"

"Because I love you," Buffy answers without hesitation. "And you're wrong. I'm not perfect. I'm not even close. I have bigger faults than California. And you, love, are the most beautiful thing I've ever seen."

I can't help it, I blush. Nobody's ever really called be beautiful before. Xander called me gorgeous once, but then that led to… things, and I was in formal wear at the time. Everyone looks good in formal wear, so I'm not sure that counts. I don't know what it is about me that Buffy thinks is beautiful. Maybe it's just because she loves me. I mean, I know I'm not really ugly or anything, but I'm definitely nothing special.

"Will," Buffy growls in my ear. "Stop that. I know what you're thinking. I would think you were gorgeous even if I didn't love you, and, as a matter of fact, I have thought it before."

Really? "When?" I ask.

Buffy shrugs. "Pretty much every time I looked at you, but I was talking about Halloween two years ago." She hesitates for a moment. "And… I probably shouldn't admit this, but remember your evil vampire double?" I nod, wondering where she's going with this. "When I saw you in all the leather, well… Let's just say that leather pants look _so_ much better on you than on Angel."

"You thought evil me was hot?" No way. Buffy, that's just…

Oh! I _so_ did not just imagine what I think I did. No, nah-uh, no way. My whole body did not just tingle when I thought about me in leather and Buffy tied to a-

I did not just think that.

I didn't.

"No!" Buffy exclaims. "I thought _you_ were hot. When we put you in her clothes."

Thanks Buffy. That _really_ helps get this image (that isn't in my head at all, no siree, never even thought of it) out of my mind.

"Really?" I ask.

"Totally," she answers. A thought suddenly crosses my mind, and Buffy begins to look worried at the wicked smirk that forms on my face. "What?" she asks cautiously.

"You know," I say slowly as I turn so I can look at her face as I say this. "I always wondered why you insisted on staying in the room while we changed clothes." Buffy's eyes go wide and her face reddens as I continue. "I mean, I know you said it was in case she woke up, but those tranquillisers were strong enough to put Oz out for a couple of hours. There's no way evil me was going to wake up." I grin, and Buffy laughs, putting her hands up in defence.

"Okay, okay. So I had less than professional motives when I stayed. But doesn't that just prove that I think you're beautiful?" she kisses me on the cheek, and I smile.

"You're just trying to make me forget I should be mad that you acted with Xander's permanent mindset?" I not mad at all, really. How could I be? The fact that Buffy thought I was beautiful in high school does a lot to ease some of my insecurity.

"Is it working?" she asks.

I wait a beat, then nod. "Absolutely. Although you might want to try just a bit harder. Just to be sure."

She smiles. "Wouldn't want you mad at me," she murmurs. Our eyes lock, and after what seems like an eternity, she lowers her lips to mine. The kiss is gentle, reassuring, loving. Everything that we need to re-establish between us after what's happened.

The kiss ends, and I reach up to tuck away a piece of hair that's hanging in front of Buffy's eyes. "Are we okay?" I ask, still with some trepidation.

"We're perfect."

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End

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Well, that's it. Hope you enjoyed the ride.


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